The Club

Most everyone knows this about me, but for those of you who don't know, I belong to a club. A club that no mother wants to be a part of. The club of moms who have had to say goodbye to a child too soon. The club of bereaved mothers---that just sounds awful, doesn't it? I hate even typing it, because it just makes it that much more real. But, this is my life. This is a club I belong to. The club where we think of what could have been, what should of been. The club where we hide our tears and replace them with pretend smiles. All of us in this club have different stories of our children, but the same outcome.

For those of you maybe reading my blog for the first time and don't know my son's story, here it is.  This is how I was initiated into this club.

But, there's also something extremely powerful and special about our club. We welcome each other with compassion and empathy. We welcome each other with tears for one another and instant bonding. There's no judgement whatsoever. Only love for one another. Prayers for one another. Hope for the rainbow after the storm. And each time I hear another mother has joined this club, my heart breaks all over again. Breaks because the pain has resurfaced and I physically feel the pain that they are enduring.. And in that moment when initiation has begun, the bereaved mother is completely unaware: Unaware that there is a whole support system behind them, praying for them at that very instant. The bereaved mother might feel all alone, but I am here to tell you, as a member of this club for over two years, they are FAR from being alone. I wish no one would ever have to be a part of this club, but am so thankful that those who are; that we are in this together. To lift each other up during the really bad days, to listen to each other's feelings and really get it, and to praise God for the days where we smile and it is genuine. There's hope. Life will happen again. Laughter will happen again. Happiness will fill your heart again. But, take your time. There's no timeline to how your story plays out. Let God guide you and listen to Him. He is the only one that can heal your heart. There is NO such thing as time healing....it's God who heals and it's always in his perfect timing. So, be gentle on yourself and know there's a club out there who is right there for you when you need them the most.

Psalm 143:8 "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life."

~12 Magical Months...~

...365 delightful days, 8760 adorable hours, & one PERFECT year!

Dearest Emma,

A year ago I heard the most beautiful sound of your cry. In that moment, I was filled with relief, joy, humility, hope, and so much love. In that moment, I knew my life would never be the same. Each month with you, I have learned something different about you and about life. With each of my children, God shows me different things. And with you my darling, He has shown me hope & the courage to never give up. You are one of my greatest blessings and I never get tired of thanking God for entrusting me with your life.

We have had a GREAT first year! I am so happy I have been able to be there for all your firsts: your first smile, the first time you sat up, the first time you rolled over, the first time you crawled, the first time you said "Mama," the first time you stood up and even your first steps. My eyes might be a little darker from sleepless nights and our house might be a little bit messier for sticky hands and trails of toys, but this year has been a treasure for me and I am looking to so many more firsts and adventures with you{and your best big brother, ever!}

Thank you little one for being such a special light in my life! Mommy loves you Emma-girl!!

With all my heart,
Mommy

Happy Birthday, TWO you, Asher!

Another sweet angel in heaven with our son <3

 Dearest Asher,

{written yesterday}
I absolutely cannot even believe you are two years old tomorrow. There's a deep pit in my stomach that doesn't want to face the morning sunlight because it will just remind me that you are not here with us. But, I know when dawn breaks and I do open my eyes to the sunlight, it's one more day closer to you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of your sweet, perfect face or the day I will be able to hold you in my arms again. Not. One. Single. Day.

A year ago, I tried my very best not to think about the "what ifs" because I knew this was all a part of God's master plan. But, when your baby sister and big brother are laughing and rolling around, it is inevitable. I have "what if" moments every day now. And in those moments, I know you are so happy rolling around in the tall, green grass with a perfect breeze hitting your soft cheeks in the meadows of heaven--so, I get back to loving on your brother and sister and soaking up memories with them. I know I will get to make up our lost time one day.

{written today}
I have no metaphors today. My heart has ached all day long. I'm not sure why it's harder now than it was a year ago. There have been so many blessings in our lives since you went to heaven, so I should be rejoicing in victory and praising God, but quite honestly, today it is particularly hard. But, I just. miss. you. so. bad. We all do. I know you are having such a wonderful time and it probably seems like only moments have passed since you left us, but it sure does feel like forever for me. I always think about when our family is going to be complete and I know it won't be until we are all reunited with you. Until then, know how much I love you sweet angel. {Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.}

I love you always & forever, Asher,

Love,

Mommy

In our hearts. Forever. And always.

Balloons are coming to you! 

Ethan's family portrait <3

Preschool 2014 {Ethan Mitchell Ellis}

{08/19/2014}First day of school is here again and we are a happy household! The first words that came out of your mouth when we woke you up this morning were, "I want to put on my daytime clothes and go to school right now!"
Now, I had to type that for you to always remember when you're in middle school and I have to wake you up about a gazillion times to get ready! You did so well when I dropped you off. No sad faces, no tears shed; only smiles and hugs as you went to play with your friend, Jackson. I pray every day is as good as your first!!

Your teachers this year are Mrs. Dana & Mrs. Jan. You are attending Hahira United Methodist Church Preschool like you did last year. Mommy's not quite ready to let you go to the big kid school yet. You are about to play soccer this fall and we are hopeful that you love it! Your confidence is growing every day and you are becoming quite the young man. We love you boo!!

Ethan Mitchell Ellis' First Day of Preschool

Lord, please bless this beautiful child!

244 days young!

Eight months is here today! This past month has been so much fun with you, little lady. We look at you and we just watch those wheels spinning. You have hit so many milestones this month and have done it so effortlessly.

 Here are just a couple of things you have done:

{Sprouted your second tooth}
{Expanded your food with spaghetti, tacos, bread, cheese, eggs, canteloupe. You really do like your big girl food!}
{You said "Ma-ma"!}
{You said "Da-Da"!}
{You said Buh-Buh"}
{Sat up on your own}
{Started crawling}
{Pulling up onto furniture}

Here are just a few of your favorite things right now:

Favorite Song: {The Ants go Marching One by One}
Favorite Meal: {Desert aka PUFFS--you light up like Christmas morning when you see them!}
Favorite Person: {Your Ma-ma....pretty sure it's because I hold your main source of food, hehe}
Favorite Toy: {Your Picnic Basket}
Favorite Book: {you'd rather chew them than let me read to you}
Favorite Game: {Peek-a-Boo}
Favorite TV Show: {Mickey Mouse Clubhouse}

And my favorite part of your monthly updates....PICTURES! Which are getting ridiculously hard when you are on the GO!!! Keep growing love bug, you do it so well! Mommy loves you, Emma!!!

Sweet Emma face! Fresh from naptime <3

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!

Two of mommy's precious babies

Those piggies, though!

Told both of you to give me your cute face. At least one of you listened!

Hey Mama!!

All you need is Love~

Sprouting up like a beautiful flower~~~~@

Sassy & Seven Months!

Well, Mommy's a little late posting your seven months. We have just been so busy with end of the year school programs and two trips to the beach recently. Just when we thought summer was going to help slow us down, it's right back on track with play dates, summer fun & frenzy!

At seven months, you are doing great! You are rolling over to get to every destination. You are attempting to crawl with every bit of frustration but just can't quite get it yet. You get up on all fours and rock back and forth....and then face plant. It's just so precious watching you try and learn this little thing called "life."

Here are you monthly stats:

*You weigh about 18 1/2 lbs
*Wear 9-12 month clothing most of the time, some 12-18 months on rompers
*You got your first two teeth this month...and they're sharp little things!
*You are way more interested in "big kid" food than baby food. At this point, you eat what we eat and can't get enough of it!
*Attempting to crawl
*Your brother is your best friend
*You love the beach
*You love to take selfies.....lol!
*You sleep from 6:30/7p-7a most nights with the occasional night feed
*You give your mommy big open-mouthed kisses, complete with giggles

We love you sunshine! You and your brother brighten our days!

Look closely, and you'll see my first two teeth!

Water baby!!

Ethan's Last Day of Pre-K 3!

Ethan's up on stage actually singing and dancing. No smile on his face, but there is a movement. What a difference a year can make in a child's confidence. The slideshow showed all the little children throughout the year and tears streamed down my cheeks. What is this? My child isn't even about to go to kindergarten and I'm a blubbering mess already. The children were absolutely adorable and I find myself  watching it slip through my fingers and reality hits that they grow up entirely way too fast for my liking. 

This year has definitely been a huge milestone marker for Ethan. He has made what I believe will be some lifelong friends. I love watching his "shy-ness" fade when he is around his buddies and him let loose and act like a silly monkey! His faith, trust & love for his teachers are amazing. Mine is too :) I feel so confident when I drop him off because I know he's going to have a great time.<insert---HUMC Little Hands to Heaven Preschool is ah-mazing!!!> Ethan has learned so many things over the course of the year and he simply amazes me with what he knows. He is now reading, writing and even doing addition and subtraction. He totally gets his brains from his daddy! We are so excited for the summer to be here and to kick back and enjoy the South Georgia heat! 

Slideshow time <3

Ethan & his classmates <3

I used to.....

I used to...stay up late and talk on the phone or read a book. Now I collapse into bed every night.

I used to...wash my hair everyday. Now, I am lucky if I get to wash it every other day just so I can save fifteen minutes for time with you.

I used to....go on dates with your daddy on a regular basis. Now, a date consists of a movie in bed on a Friday night.

I used to...just get up and walk out the door whenever I please. Now, I prepare for two hours getting twenty little fingers and twenty little toes ready to get out the door.

I used to...ride with the windows down and the radio blaring my soul music. Now, I fear of tiny fingers getting caught in the window or loud music damaging little sets of ears.

I used to...not have a care in the world. Now, I'm baffled that I could care so much.

I used to...be in shape with a much smaller frame and toned abs. Now, I'm softer around the edges and get out of breath at the thought of being in shape.

I used to...dream of holding you in my arms, watching you grow. And now, my dreams have come true for that is exactly what I'm doing as I watch both of my children here on Earth grow in God's love and light. I wouldn't change a single thing with my journey of motherhood. No one says motherhood is easy, but all the joy that comes from is worth every gray hair, every teardrop from frustration, and all the sleepless nights.

Now, I dream of the day when I get to heaven to be reunited with my other precious children. What a glorious day that will  be!

 John 3:16 "For God  loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes will not perish but have eternal life."

Cherishing the gift of motherhood every.single.day. Happy Mother's Day to all the beautiful and selfless moms out there! You are such a treasure in God's and your children's eyes!

What a special day, today was!

I woke up today thinking it would be another ordinary day. Coffee with one of my besties, a play date with Baby Sam & his mommy, and at some point I had to take some obligatory pictures of Emma's 6 month birthday! Today, on April 25th, one of my friends, went into labor at 25 weeks gestation with twin boys. As soon as I got the text to lift them up in prayer, I dropped everything and sitting there praying, peace overflowed through my spirit and flesh. I can so freshly remember all the prayers lifted through my pregnancy with Emma and I firmly believe that each and everyone of those prayers were accounted for and God made sure those prayers were answered. And with each prayer lifted for these beautiful boys and knowing the hundreds of people lifting the same prayers, God is taking into account every single one of them and here I am stating that I firmly believe He will provide and answer! I have so much love for this precious family so if you happen to be reading this, please say a special prayer for these twins and the journey ahead for them.

And for my little birthday princess, Happy 1/2 year birthday Emma! You are growing leaps and bounds and it's amazing to see life through your eyes right now. You are on a schedule now, thanks to the help from some fabulous mommy friends, and life has gotten its groove back. You're sitting up so well now, rolling both ways, and have the cutest rolls to boot! <------that's probably just the "biased" in me coming out, but they are pretty darn cute & squishy! I haven't weighed you but you are getting so heavy and you are getting long! You wear 12 months size clothing very comfortably, but by golly, you are going to wear all your 9 month outfits even if it means two to three outfits a day! You haven't cut any teeth yet and really don't drool that much. You are a social lil' gal. You will go to most everyone and flash your gummy grin to most folks. I cannot get over how happy of a baby you are; God seriously knew I needed you little one! Your brother thinks you hung the moon and will do anything to make you happy. I love watching the bond between you two grow; it truly melts my heart and I intend to remind you of these days when you both want to tear each other apart.

All in all, I couldn't have asked for a better day to celebrate LIFE! God's miracles are all around us if we take the time to look. I am so blessed to celebrate the precious Norman twins and my sweet Emma.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

~God Bless Emma~

Matthew 19:14But Jesus said, "Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." 15After laying His hands on them, He departed from there.

April 6,2014: The day we gave Emma Charlotte to the Lord in front of our friends and family and promised to raise this child with the love of Jesus Christ. To watch her innocence and know that God has entrusted us to protect her on this earth and rear her in God's truth and light, was to say the least, a very heart warming experience. Not only is this a huge responsibility but I consider it a blessing and privilege to be chosen to be her family.

I know there will be days where I will fail. When I yell. When I feel like giving up. But at the end of the day when they are sleeping so sound and look like angels, I will think of his mercies, grace and for the opportunity of tomorrow. I pray I can be the light to my precious children. 

Emma, you were such a beautiful, precious girl on the day of your baptism. Even though this a symbol of our promise to teach you how to be Christ-like, we hope that you will give your heart to the Lord on your own one day. And on that day, my prayer that I pray for you every night will have been answered.

Pastor Bill Woodson presenting Emma to the church

Presenting Emma her baptism handkerchief . Monogrammed and all! <3

And she loved it!

Pastor Bill wrote Emma a letter to open when she is ten years old. I hope I remember where I put it!

The pretty princess

It just happened to be right in the middle of nap time.

Our family, just missing Asher.

<3

My baptism dress in 1984 that Emma was supposed to wear....Couldn't even get the sleeves past Emma's forearms...
I was extremely upset, but I had to remind myself that today wasn't about what she wore.....

The blanket Emma's Nene was wrapped in 57 years ago on her way home from the hospital.