New Year, Big Changes!

Here we are, the last day of 2012. Instead of ringing in the new year with friends, my husband and I have decided to lay low and just really take the time to reflect on everything 2012 brought us and just pray for many blessings to be brought forth in 2013.

There's no way to sugarcoat this year....it was just, well, rough. And emotionally hard. But, we did have some wonderful times. The day I found out I was expecting again. The day we first heard his sweet heartbeat. Watching our oldest son, Ethan, turn two and celebrate with awesome friends and family. Going to the beach all throughout the summer and enjoying the hot sun and cool ocean water. The day we found out even with Asher's two-vessel cord, he had no abnormalities and we could rest easy the remainder of the pregnancy. Darren got a new job with a new promotion(what a financial blessing)! There really were SO many great memories this year, memories that I hold and cherish that much more because of our loss.

My dear friend came to have a Cafe Mocha with me on the back porch this afternoon(still trying to decide if there was any caffeine!), but she left me in such a peace about 2012 and with a sense of new beginning as we embark our journey as a family into 2013. My Asher has opened my eyes, my heart and my faith. Through the loss of of my son, God has taught me more things about myself and about life that I would feel could have taken a lifetime.This is God's will for our family and I have accepted that. I am going to take 2013 and take everything Asher has showed me and use my new found gifts to share with the world. I am going to let the devil keep his fears, his negativity, his hopelessness and let the light of the Lord shine through my soul, my mind, & my heart.

I am now officially a stay at home mommy to my handsome & charming son, Ethan. I never thought I would be able to say those words because of my own selfishness and love of worldly things. It's never an easy thing to admit, but it is true. This is one of the biggest leaps of faith our family has taken but I know the sacrifices made are well worth it and God will provide. I am on day one and I've already had a few moments of panic, but this is where I am supposed to be. This is how God made me. To be a fearless mother, wife, and child of God. I have Asher to thank for all of this, for opening my heart and my mind. I cannot wait to scoop him up in my arms one day, look him in the eye and just say "I love you & thank you" for being him.  And I cannot wait for my sweet Ethan to wake up from his nap, so I can scoop him up in my arms, look him in the eye and tell him how much I love him and how I thank God every day for him.

For those of you who know my hurt and my pain all too well, know that I pray for you & I lift you up daily. I love each of you and wish you nothing but the beautiful blessings from God in 2013.

Ethan Mitchell Ellis: Christmas 2012

Merry Christmas!

It's the day after Christmas and my little boy is sleeping off a fever and a bad cough aka the croup. We spent two hours in the walk-in clinic this morning with many other sick people. My husband left the house at 5:00 AM for a business trip until Friday. But, I'm still here and I'm still happy.

It's so easy to get caught up in the negative things and this Christmas, I made a promise to myself that I would try my best to stay cheerful and positive.....and guess what, it worked! This sounds so cheesy, but attitude is everything! Yes, I could have moped around, drowning in tears from missing Asher, but I choose to rejoice in the birth of our Savior and his gift for us and the promise to be reunited with Asher.

I want to tell you my absolute favorite part about Christmas 2012. It's 9am(my son loves to sleep in, yay!) and we're huddled around the Christmas tree and Darren tells Ethan to get my little present he hid inside the tree(smart hubby!). Great things come in small packages, right? :) Ethan knew right where they had put it and pulls out a small little box from Steel's jewelry....oooh, la, la! As Ethan handed it to me, he said, "Here Mommy, this one's from Baby Asher." I looked at Darren, he shrugs his shoulders telling me he didn't tell Ethan to say that and I just knew at that moment, Asher was all around us, celebrating with us. There was warmth and there was love and something so spiritual about yesterday morning. I am so blessed to have two beautiful sons......

Merry Christmas, friends!! I love you all....

Hope, Love & Peace for Newtown, CT

Tomorrow marks the week of the Newtown, CT shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School. I was in an appointment with no cell phone and had no idea what had happened until after I got out around noon. It was on the radio in my car and I listened in disbelief on my way to work. I went immediately to my computer once I arrived and just stared and stared. Scared, Sad, Angry, & Confusion were some of the immediate feelings that filled me to the core.

Immediately after Thanksgiving, I started to feel the waves of sadness creeping in about not having Asher with us for the Holidays. I would cry behind closed doors, even so my husband wouldn't see me. Everytime I saw someone post a photo of their newborn baby, I would get a little teary-eyed, because I don't get to share that moment with my baby. I'm not going to pretend; this is REALLY hard. But, I had friends remind me through God's Word, through e-mails, through devotionals, that everything is going to be o.k. So, I started focusing on the GOOD. Asher is in the safest place in this world. Asher gets to spend his first Christmas with the Savior himself. I am going to focus on the gift of our Lord more than ever before, because it is through Him that I have eternal life. It is through him, I will be able to hold my child again one day. The more I engraved these statements into my soul and read the truth, the more I was brought to peace during this Christmas season. And then last Friday, I felt as if all the good in this world had been shattered.

Shattered because, my heart hurt so much to see that twenty other sets of parents had lost a child.
Shattered because, our society is such an evil, wicked place.
Shattered because, our society has completely left God out of this situation.

When people tell me they are sorry for my loss they almost always include, "I just can't imagine what that would be like." Now as I sit here, I think to myself, "I just can't imagine what these people are going through." Even though losing Asher was completely unexpected, he went to Heaven from the safest place on earth, my womb. The Newtown kids and teachers left in the most unimaginable and horrific way possible. There are no words that can be said to make them feel better. I just continually pray every day for everyone directly affected by this tragedy and pray that they will find peace, comfort, and hope through all of this. I will never be able to compare this to my loss, but, through the midst of the sadness, tears, and grief, I hope and pray that some good can come of this. I hope there are people's lives who are saved and are brought closer to God than they could ever imagine.

Here is the truth that has helped me through this Christmas season. May the residents of Newtwon find hope, love, and peace in the truth.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

Psalm 71: A passage of HOPE for me

Shortly after Asher had left this Earth, I asked my Pastor, which book of the Bible should I read considering my circumstance? Which book will help me with my healing process? He replied, The Book of Psalms. Many passages have stood out to me, but God recently has been giving me the message of HOPE. He wants me to have hope for my future. He wants me to have hope in Him. I think & am hoping this is His way of preparing me for the holidays we are embarking. The days are starting to get harder but when I submerse myself into the truth, it does make me feel better about where I am at with my son's death. I just wanted to share this Psalm and maybe it will speak volumes for you as it has for me.

Psalm 71: 1-24

In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame. Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness; turn your ear to me and save me. Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress. Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of evil and cruel men.

For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth. From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother's womb. I will ever praise you. I have become more like a portent to many, but you are my strong refuge. My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long.

Do not cast me away when I am old; do not forsake me when my strength is gone. For my enemies speak against me; those who wait to kill me conspire together. They say, "God has forsaken him; pursue him and seize him, for no one will rescue him." Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me. May my accusers perish in shame; may those who want to harm me be covered with scorn and disgrace.

But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure. I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign Lord; I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone. Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come.

You righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things. Who, O God, is like you? Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

I will praise you with the harp for your faithfulness, O my God; I will sing praise to you with the lyre, O Holy One of Israel. My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you-I, whom you have redeemed. My tongue will tell of your righteous acts all day long, for those who wanted to harm me have been put to shame and confusion.

Giving thanks, today and everyday

The holidays are finally here. It saddens my heart that Asher can't be celebrating his first Thanksgiving with our family. And there are moments, where I don't want to make a big deal out of the holidays this year because it just hurts too much, but when I look at my two year old son, and see the joy and wonder, I keep moving on.

This will probably be no surprise to any of you, but what I am most thankful for today is my sweet angel, Asher. God used my son as an irreplaceable instrument in my life. My walk with Jesus Christ is that much sweeter because of Asher. It can be hard to thank God for all the things He has blessed me with, but He HAS blessed me. He took Asher to show me how life is so truly precious. He took Asher to show me how deep my faith is and how I can make it stronger. He took Asher to show me that I will have an eternal life with our Savior. He took Asher to show me that I was created for a purpose. He took Asher to show me how much hope there is to gain when I have faith.

Matthew 12:20: “A bruised reed He will not break, and smoking flax He will not quench.” The New Living translation of this passage is marvelous: “He will not crush those who are weak, or quench the smallest hope." (Derek Prince Ministries)

Just when I felt like hope was all gone, it is Jesus I turned to. He hears my prayers and answers them. He has taken special people in my life to help give me and my husband hope. We hope for so many things, but it is with hope, that He does bring us joy and peace every day of our lives. This one thing is true:

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever." Psalm 107:1

I have hope in Him, our faithful and loving Father that He will continue to pour blessings unto our family. I have hope that He will continue to open our eyes and hearts so that we can walk in the path of righteousness. Thank you, dear Jesus, for you: For giving your lives for us so that we can live eternally with you. I don't want to thank you just today, but every day of my life. I am Your child and it is in You, that I have hope for brighter days.

Happy 2 Months Asher! We love you to Heaven and Back!!

FIVE YEARS!!

I can hardly believe that tomorrow is mine & Darren's five year anniversary! You know the saying, "Time flies when you're having fun?" Well, that mostly applies to us--at least from a marriage standpoint. I really do feel like it was yesterday that one of my closest friends dragged me out to go eat dinner with some boy she had met online(back when Myspace was the "it" thing). I still remember what table we sat at in Texas Roadhouse and shallowly thinking that my future husband had really nice arms. Oh, the worries of being 21! Never did it occur to me, that I was sitting next to a man who would change my life forever. We got engaged in St. Augustine nine short months later after meeting and were married at The Crescent in Valdosta, GA on November 3, 2007. Now, St. Augustine is one of our most treasured places to go because of all the special memories we have made there. In fact, I am actually waiting for my family to get home so we can hit the road and spend a fun weekend in St. Augustine. Another good advantage to this weekend---I can eat whatever I want! That's a cardinal rule for vacations, right?

So, here's where I start the mushy, gushy stuff. "X" this page if that's not your cup of tea! I knew Darren was the one for me after only a short month of dating. Trust me, I've dated plenty of guys to know what exactly I was looking for and when you find that special someone, you just don't let go! Less, than a year ago, I would think about our five year anniversary and picture us as a family of four. And I thought to myself, I don't need a fancy trip or a fancy gift for making it to five years, because I would have everything I need: my husband, and my two sons in my arms. But, God decided he had other plans for our five year anniversary, and that's ok. It's so hard to accept that Asher's not here with us and extremely painful, but it's just ok. Yes, I do wish things were different but I just keep praying and hoping that God will just keep pouring his blessings over us. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that most couples do not reach five years and endure all the pain and suffering that we have. But, because of the things Darren and I have gone through together, our life experiences together have made us that much stronger. Our marriage is a rock. A huge, solid rock and our foundation is Jesus Christ. Nothing can break us, and nothing will break us. My husband has turned into this amazing, God-fearing man and I am so in love with him. The way he has comforted me and taken care of me through this hard time in my life reminds me that he meant every word he said when we exchanged our vows. For better or for worse. Would I have ever realized these things of my husband if it weren't for Asher? I don't know the answer to that, but I do know this. That God put Darren in my life for a reason. To love me, unconditionally. Happy Five Year Anniversary, Darren. I love you to Heaven & back.

On our honeymoon :)

Without God, I am a MESS

Yesterday was horrible. Just awful. It wasn't a sad day in respects to Asher, but NOTHING was going the way it was supposed to. First mistake made: Not getting up early enough. I have been trying to do my quiet time with God in the morning and as much as it hurts my sleepy little eyelids, I know I can really focus and listen to God much better in the morning. But, I was so comfy in my bed when the alarm went off, I decided to just rest my eyes a few more minutes. Well, that turned into an hour and a half longer. Ok, so 8:30 and Ethan is still asleep--I can still get in a cup of coffee and still make time for quiet time. I walk into the hallway and peek in on Ethan and there he is: bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to start the day. Ok, so now I will just postpone my quiet time until nap time. Now, it's 9:30--Darren's awake and we make the decision to miss church this morning. We start coming up with excuses: it's cold outside, how are we going to get ready in less than an hour and make it out there by 10:30. So, guess what I start doing: working on our household budget for 2013. I should have known better than to start working on a project like this on a Sunday--a day of rest!! So, we then decide to go into town, stop by a couple of stores, eat lunch and go grocery shopping. First stop, Kohls. Here's my mission: find a decently inexpensive dress and shoes to wear to my Mary Kay meetings. 30 minutes later: Mission aborted. I tried on a skirt and a dress and completely felt defeated as they were too tight. Everytime I look in the mirror, Satan overtakes my whole mind and my self-image goes down the drain. It's not the best feeling in the world gaining 50+ pounds while pregnant and then looking in the mirror and seeing the extra weight . With Ethan, I was a little easier on myself, because I had him. I had Ethan. This time, I just have nothing but flab and cellulite stabbing my heart like a dagger. I leave the dressing room feeling sorry for myself and try to attempt the shoe department with Ethan in tow(Darren decided he wanted to look at kitchen gadgets). Have you ever tried looking and trying on shoes with a two year old? I don't recommend it. He kept wanting me to chase him and play hide and seek.....this just wasn't working. I scolded him for not staying close to me and decided this was enough. I had to leave the store. Talk about an "unglued" moment. 12:30---let's just try grocery shopping. Oh crap, it's lunchtime and Ethan's cranky and he needs a nap. Being the "awesome" parents we are, we feed our son chicken tenders in the racecar buggy at Publix. I know, I deserve a gold medal! At this point, I just don't care. I want to get home and get Ethan in the bed because my negative emotions are obviously rubbing off on my son and husband.

Ahhhh...it's naptime. Both Ethan and Darren are sleeping. I decided to go for a thirty minute run to clear my head and then attempt my quiet time. Running did clear my head, but as soon as I sat down to read my Bible, guess who wakes up? I won't go on about the rest of my day, but you get the picture. It was just a downward spiral.

BUT, in between these "unglued" moments, God still showed His grace. Ethan didn't throw a temper tantrum all day long. At Kohls, when I exploded at Darren that we just HAD to leave the store RIGHT at that very moment, he kept his calm and when we got into the car he asked me what was really going on and began to comfort me. I knew it was His grace shining through my husband because Darren usually let's me cool down before even trying to talk to me, but yesterday, he instantly put everything into perspective and showed his compassion for the pain I was going through. And God used my unit director for Mary Kay that evening to say words that spoke right to my heart about all the demons I faced yesterday. She had no idea about the horrible day I had either--coincidence, I think not.

I pushed God into the corner all day long telling myself time with Him can wait. He gave His only Son, for me, and this is how I repay him? By putting time with Him on the back burner? Even so, he poured His Grace over me and by the end of the day, there was peace in my heart. His love is unconditional and thank goodness for that, because I know this won't be the last time I lose sight of what is most important. Yesterday was a hard lesson learned. Today, I started it right. I started it with my Heavenly Father. Without Him, I am a mess.

Life Goes On...Life Must Go On.

I'm not quite sure if someone told me this recently or I read it somewhere, but this is true: Right now, I am in a spiritual bubble. The past six weeks has been nothing short of amazing. My family and I have been covered in prayer and our needs have been taken care of in so many ways. And, I'm going to be honest; I do not want this bubble to pop. When I have people come up to me and tell me they are thinking and praying for us, it gives me such comfort. But, what about a month from now, a year from now, or a decade from now? Life has to go on, people are going to forget. It's such a hard thing to accept that this is a reality, but it's true. I know we will think about Asher every day of our lives, but, I know my neighbors or possibly even some friends will slowly begin to forget. I'm afraid once reality sets in, my grieving is going to really set in.

Today is one of the last things we had to do for Asher, here on Earth. We had to pick out his gravestone. I've been dreading this for two reasons: 1) I should not be burying my child. They are supposed to be bury me. & 2) This is the last thing that we have to complete Asher's burial. In a way, I feel like this is the point.....where life must go on. It was a very overwhelming experience, to say the least. At the end of the appointment, I felt good that we picked a beautiful piece with the Scripture God intended for him, Matthew 4:19:"Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men." Later that day, I was going through my winter clothes that I store at my mother-in-law's house and I saw one of Darren's old devotional books. I walked past it to leave the house, but something told me to go back and get it for my sister. I went back, picked it up and opened the book to read one devotional. The first one I looked at was titled "Follow Me," and was centered on Matthew 4:19. If only you could see my smile.

Today was also the first time we went to Asher's graveside. I wept. I cried out to Lord, "Why Asher?" Before we left Nicholls, we came back to visit Asher with Ethan and my son literally turns from his "terrible twos," to a respectful, little boy. We told him Asher's body is in the ground, but his spirit is in heaven with Jesus and he blows a kiss to the sky and says "I love you Baby Asher." I know people say death can be confusing for small children, but Ethan just gets it. Ethan started taking the gravel from his great-grandfather's grave and sprinkling them on Asher's. I told him let's name the rocks with emotions we feel when we think of Asher. So, of course, I started so I could demonstrate. As he lays the tiny rocks down one by one, I say "this one is for love, this one is for happiness...." Ethan pipes in, "this one is for sad, this one is for growing....." Oh, how my little boy just amazes me with his maturity. Oh, how I wish Asher could have been here with us---I have no doubt in my mind that Ethan would have been an amazing and nurturing big brother.

So, with all of this being said, I know that things are going to start slowing down. Life will go on for all of us, but, for me, my son in Heaven will continuously be in my thoughts: When I'm sitting on my back porch and a dragonfly lands on my leg. When I'm running and there's a beautiful sunset. When I watch Darren and Ethan playing and enjoy sounds of laughter and happiness. He is all around; Asher is with me.

Asher's Sunset

Today is National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. Today is also my first day back at work. So, to sum it all up, today has not been the easiest. It didn't help that Ethan(my 2 1/2 year old) did NOT want to go to school this morning and wanted to stay home with Mommy. He wouldn't even make eye contact with me when I gave him a hug and kiss as I dropped him off. I know he doesn't mean to make me sad, but boy, did it make me feel horrible. I get to work and get my first phone call and the gentleman on the other line tells me congrats on the baby. You want to know what I said? Thank you. I said, thank you. Am I crazy? Probably, but did I really want to correct him so I could just break down in tears? Second phone call from an old client of mine(another gentleman) says he's glad that I'm back and then asks how the baby is. Well, my response was, "He died." I bet I made that man feel like a million bucks, but I also didn't try and rehearse what I was going to say to people when they ask. Oh, did I mention I broke down and cried on that one? Maybe I'm not as ready as I thought I was to get back into the grind. Or maybe, it will just get easier to tell people what happened to my son. But, then, my morning changed for the better, thank you Jesus.

A friend of mine sent me a blog shortly after Asher passed(thank you Amy!!!). This person's blog(www.onceuponatucker.blogspot.com) started off with a photo by Carly Marie Dudley. This person, too, lost a son the way I did and reading her blog helped me tremendously. Carly Marie Dudley, is a woman from Sydney, Austraila, who lost her son, Christian, in 2007. When Carly's son passed, she found herself drawing his name in the sand and photographing it against the sunset. And now, she has been using this gift from God to help heal parents, like me and Darren, who have lost a child too. I requested Asher's sunset about two weeks after he went to be with Jesus and I got them this morning at 10:34 A.M. The Lord took Carly and used perfect timing with her email to show me that he is with me and he cares for me and loves me so much. He said with Asher's sunset, "Everything is going to be alright, Nikki."

Lord, I just pray that for every mother who has ever lost a child through a miscarriage, had a stillborn, or lost their precious baby shortly after birth, for God to wrap his harms around them today and give them comfort and peace. I pray for these mothers to know that their child/children are in Heaven: perfect, whole and healed and that we will be reunited with them one day. I pray for the fathers, siblings, and all kinds of relatives that feel the pain and sorrow of a child leaving this earth too soon, that, they too, will be comforted, because it is so often forgotten that they are hurting too. Please, Jesus, just hold these individuals a little bit tighter today and let them know you love them and that your arms are open wide for them to receive you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Psalms 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

To visit Carly Marie Dudley's website: http://www.namesinthesand.blogspot.com/

Be Agressive....B-E Aggressive

Before Asher's arrival, I prayed every day about the things I was thankful for, for the things I thought I needed and wanted. I read Scriptures and I'm embarrassed to admit, some of it is just hard to understand. Nonetheless, this is what I referred to as my quiet time. I thought I was doing what He wanted me to. But, I didn't realize until now, that something was missing. I wasn't listening aggressively. Quiet time in the past consisted of reading Scriptures and then I would pray; nothing more, nothing less. I was only skimming the surface and I didn't realize this until recently when God spoke to me through the book "How to Listen to God" by Charles Stanley. The author states there are two kinds of listening: Passive Listening & Aggressive Listening. "A passive listener does not come to God to hear a decision from Him. The aggressive listener comes knowing and seeking to hear diligently what God has to say(Stanley 16).

I yearn to be an aggressive listener. I want to listen, understand and then ask myself, "How can I take this Scripture and apply it to my life? How can I listen more intensely? How can I be more like God?" So, instead of just skimming the surface, my pen is out and I'm ready to take notes all over God's Letter to us. Will you join me in slowing life down to listen aggressively to His word and apply it in your everyday life? I am learning slowly, but surely, and because of this, I am able to savor life's moments even in the midst of all the chaos. Thank you Jesus.

Matthew 7:24: "Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock."

A month has come and gone....

Letter to Asher:

Oh, sweet Asher. I can't believe you have been gone for a month now. Leading up to today has been really hard for me; there are days where it takes all the strength and courage I have to keep a smile on my face. I just miss you and want you back. We all do. I made your memory box a couple of days ago and I was literally doing a "photo shoot" with it. It turned out beautiful, though. I know you would be so proud!! And I am looking forward to looking at it every day. Any chance that I can have a memory of you is one that I will take.

Any chance to think about you and reminisce are moments I love. I love hearing your name. I love looking at the few photos we have of you. I love talking about you. I love to just go sit and your nursery and think of you. Sometimes it makes me sad, but most of the time it really does make me happy and brings me joy. Asher, you have been such a blessing to me and our family. Our faith and perseverance have grown stronger because of you. I no longer fear death because of you. You have brought me closer to our Heavenly Father in more ways than I can ever imagine. When you passed, I turned to the Scriptures and God's words became ALIVE!!! They have never jumped out at me the way they do now. They have so much more meaning to me. I know for me and your father, they have brought us hope and comfort. Jesus is directly telling us all the things we need to hear through the Scriptures. He instantly knows exactly where to take us in His word--isn't that just wonderful? So, thank you sweet little boy of mine!

 I hope your first month in Heaven has been nothing short of perfection :) I can just imagine you dancing and singing, always a smile on your face. I imagine you sitting on your great grandfathers' and great grandmothers' laps and listening to their stories. Knowing that you will only know happiness, joy & love makes my heart smile. It doesn't keep me from missing you, but it does bring me comfort. Give everyone hugs and kisses from me, especially Jesus!

Love you sweet boy,

Mommy

Everything about you was and is perfect.

Your great-grandmother made you booties to wear.

Just to see this everyday, will bring me happiness!

 Your big brother, Ethan, is a hoot. He's bossing your Lola in this photo :)

 And, they're off! Sent with extra TLC.

We love you to Heaven and back, Asher!

 

JOB

No, this isn't a post about my J-O-B aka WORK! Although, let me say, not working at the moment has been very nice because I have been given the opportunity to sit back, reflect, and really count all my blessings in my life even though sometimes I feel like they can be hard to recognize during stressful times. Did I mention that at the present moment, I'm sitting on my back porch, in the crisp fall air, smelling the fresh cut grass with a cup of coffee with an adorable two year old running around playing? Just counted five blessings right there in that last sentence. :) Wow, our God really is amazing if you just take the time to recognize his gifts.

Now onto what this is actually all about. The story of Job in God's word. Excuse my ignorance, but I honestly did not know the book of Job until recently. Don't get me wrong, I deeply consider myself a Christian and a Believer in Christ, but learning the word of our Lord was not emphasized as I was growing up. So, not only is this a healing process for me, but also a spiritual journey for me as well. And let me tell you, "diving" into His Word has been such an uplifting exercise for me these past three weeks. Just the other night, I asked Darren [my husband] if he knew the story of Job and he said it was one of the first things he referred to shortly after Asher passed away. WHAT? And why didn't he tell me this?;)

So, here's Job. This God-fearing man who had everything: a wife, several healthy children, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen, five hundred donkeys, and many servants. I know in today's world it is VERY easy to get caught up on the tangible objects in life, but Job was the prime example of having everything a man could ever need or want and still was humble and praised our Lord with all of his heart. And then Satan comes in and challenges God to take away everything from Job except for his life. Satan believed that after God allowed these things, Job would surely turn his back and curse Him. God does allow Satan to do these things, but Job proves Satan wrong and bows down and worships the Lord. Job then went through a second test where he was covered from head to toe in painful sores, only to still worship the Lord. Wow, right?

Have you ever felt like Job in the sense that you had EVERYTHING you could ever need or want in life and it was suddenly just TAKEN away from you? I can safely say that I am nothing like Job [I have far more still than I have ever needed and wanted for], but in an instant that's exactly how I felt. It's funny how everything can seem perfect and then in a split second your world comes crumbling before you. That's how I felt in the moment when I found out our son was no longer living; that every being of myself was just ripped apart and that God was inflicting such pain upon our lives. God, can you hear my cries? Please, please, bring my child back!

Satan also came to me and wanted me to doubt our Lord--I prayed fervently for him to get out of my head. Just when I thought God was not listening or comforting me, He came to me and told me to look around. Look at the man beside you holding your hand through all of this, look at the healthy, living son that you do have, look at your friends and family praying for you and supporting you through this. He told me He loves me, no matter what. He told me I am going to meet my other angels one day and live an Eternal life. I have news for you Satan. You lost this battle, too. Once again, our Lord has prevailed.

John 16:33 NKJV:  "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.

Jeremiah 29:11-12 NIV: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."

A Place to Heal

It's been two weeks and two days since our sweet Asher left Earth to be with Jesus in Heaven. I can say that my tears have slowed down, but the hurt has not gone away and will probably never go away. I have been ever so blessed with wonderful family and friends who have stayed with me, cried with me, talked with me, and just "be" with me. Thank you God for placing ALL of these wonderful people in my life. After the funeral and the commotion started to slow down, I knew it was time to start my healing process. I prayed to God to help heal us and to show us how to heal. I went out and bought a journal in which I had decided to write my thoughts and feelings down, but I have recently found so much comfort through other people who have experienced the same loss as myself or the loss of a child through blogs.

Shortly after the loss of Asher, friends have been giving me addresses of other women's blogs who have experienced this type of loss and by reading their stories filled with such real and raw emotions. With tissues by my side, I realized I am not alone in this. These strangers have helped me in more ways than they know. They helped me to know what I am feeling is o.k. and is normal and that time heals all things. So, my theory is: If all these wonderful strangers have been such a help to me, why can't I help someone else who is hurting? And why not help myself heal in the process of recording my thoughts and emotions down? I am hoping in the days, weeks, months and years to come this tragedy will make me a better person, a more compassionate person. Below is something I wrote right after Asher left us. I never want to ever forget any detail of his nine months with us here on Earth and this is the only way I knew of documenting him.

My Baby Angel Asher

Asher’s journey with us began on January 21, 2012. I still remembering waking up one Saturday morning knowing that I would take a test that could possibly change our lives forever. When I saw the “Pregnant” pop up on the digital pregnancy test, so many emotions flooded me: happiness, hope, scared, anxious, excitement……the list could go on. I let Darren sleep and wanted to surprise him when he woke up. I put the test in his bathroom drawer by his toiletries so he had to see it when getting ready that morning. I made sure I was in the bathroom to see his reaction and that man literally went through the motions of getting ready and didn’t even notice the test. He finally asked me why I was watching him get ready and why I had a funny look on my face and that’s when he looked down and saw the test. For the next 24-48 hours, I continuously went to the bathroom to see the POSITIVE pregnancy test to make sure it was real, and it was. It was one happy day for our family of three.

You see, in October of 2011, we suffered a miscarriage, which was absolutely devastating. I wasn’t angry, but I was confused. Was I being punished for something I had done wrong? I grieved for a short period of time and threw myself back into work to keep my mind distracted. At that time, I knew all that could fill that void was to keep trying and never give up my dream of having a big family. The doctor gave specific instructions of waiting two cycles of ovulation before trying again. Darren and I decided to try immediately after since we didn’t know how long it would take for us to get pregnant again. Which brings me back to January 21, 2012; with the help of God, we made our little miracle baby Asher and all the feelings of sadness were gone and replaced with feelings of hope and new beginning.

My pregnancy with Asher wasn’t exactly easy. I worried and worried. I should have known better to carry my burdens and worry on my shoulders when our God tells us to give all that we worry to him and he will take care of the rest. It wasn’t until I felt the first flutters of Asher inside my growing belly, in which my worries started to subside. I felt lucky to be able to feel him so early on in the pregnancy and still consider myself lucky because I got to feel every kick, roll, shake, hiccup for almost six months. And then our 18 week anatomy scan was here and we had found out Asher had a singular umbilical artery. And then my worries came flooding back to a ten-fold. This condition is not common, but there’s a 75% chance that babies born with this condition come out perfectly healthy. An umbilical cord is supposed to have three vessels: two arteries and a vein. Asher’s umbilical cord only had two: one artery and one vein. I was immediately a high-risk pregnancy and was referred to a specialist in Macon. I remember sitting in the waiting room with other women and thinking that there could be a possibility that one of us would be walking out of the office that day with bad news. I wasn’t one of them, praise the Lord. The doctor said Asher was perfectly healthy and we could consider my pregnancy a normal one. My doctor back at home was still going to take precautions and check on Asher with growth checks and weekly NST’s to make sure her was receiving enough oxygen.

Everything was going great. Asher did well on all his check-ups and was always above the 50^th percentile range. I washed all the baby clothes, cleaned out the nursery with the help of family, and painted decorations to hang on the walls. By week 36 we were ready to bring our baby boy home. Asher’s big brother, Ethan, was ready too. We had told him about Asher throughout the pregnancy but had really stepped it up the past month since we knew it could be any day now. He rocked his Woody doll in the bassinet and gave mommy’s belly hugs and kisses. I was so excited to watch these two boys grow up together and be the best of friends.

My pre-op appointment was on Wednesday, September 5, 2012(37 weeks and 1 day). I spent half the day in the doctor’s office getting blood work done, having my NST(which looked great) and paperwork on top of paperwork. I was excited that in a week and a half I would have this new blessing in my arms. Then Thursday night rolled around. I got off a little early because I was so tired and decided to pick up Ethan. Darren had to stay at work late so when we got home, I didn’t rest since Ethan wanted mommy to play. How could I refuse playing with the cutest 2 year old boy I know? When Darren got home, I retired and took a nice, long shower and got into bed to finally rest. Fast forward to around 1AM. Ethan started crying and I got up as fast as I could to his room. He was sitting up and he said, “Baby.” I noticed it and thought it was funny for him to say that, but really didn’t think anything of it. Ethan’s nose was stopped up, so I let him sleep in my bed with me so I could listen to his breathing. Well, I couldn’t go back to sleep because I started thinking about him saying “baby.” And that’s when I noticed Asher hadn’t moved since Ethan woke up. But, then I tried to calm myself in knowing that Asher wasn’t a big mover during the night and he was probably sleeping. Around 2:17 AM, I felt the urge to go to the bathroom. I pulled my maternity pillow over my head and it literally knocked the electrical sockets out of the wall causing all of my electronics on the side of my bed to flicker and shut off. I am not one of superstitions, but I was really scared that this was a sign. Again, I calmed myself and tried to sleep. When I woke up around 6:30 AM, Ethan was breathing a lot better, but my Asher still wasn’t moving. I tried not to panic. Instead I tried to use logic along with prayer and chugged ice cold water, took a hot shower, ate a sugary breakfast, and lie on my right side. Nothing was working. I called the doctor’s office which they had to call me back. By now it was around 8:30 in the morning. I tried one last trick of putting a baking sheet on my belly and dropping my keys to see if it would startle him, but that didn’t work. I still hadn’t heard back from the doctor’s office so I headed in the car and picked up Darren on the way.

Pulled up to the doctor’s office and I was more scared than I had ever been in my whole life. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, they hooked me up to an NST and had trouble finding Asher’s heartbeat. And then they found it: it was between 110-125, but the doctor wanted to do an ultrasound. Little did I know that wasn’t Asher’s heartbeat; it was my own….racing. We walked to the ultrasound room and that’s when the horror began. They pulled him up on the screen and there was his heart…..with no flicker. The doctor asked to turn on the noise from the Doppler and again, no noise but the inside of my stomach and the steady noise of static. The ultrasound tech just put her head down and said, “I’m so sorry.” I can’t even re-call what the doctor said to me. My sweet baby boy that I was supposed to meet in a week was now gone. I.WAS.IN.SHOCK. I got up and went over to Darren who was already crying and all I could keep saying was that I was sorry, so very sorry. I had no tears. All I could think to myself was that I was a failure and that I couldn’t even keep my own children alive. I was numb. I don’t think it hit me until we were at the hospital and I just cried and cried and cried.

Asher James Ellis was born on September 7, 2012 at 3:54PM. He weighed 7 pounds, 2 ounces, was 21 inches long and every part of him was perfect. He had Ethan’s nose and lips and a head full of dark hair. His skin was so soft and still warm to the touch. I held him in my arms and cried, and cried. I asked God why he had to take my child? Why me? Why do bad things happen to good people? I was so angry but at the same time I was overflowing with sadness that I would never be able to hear my child laugh, cry or talk. There were times where I was holding him and admiring him that I had almost thought maybe, with an ounce of hope, that he would open his eyes and everything would be fine, but he never did. I held him as long as I could and memorized every ounce of him that I could. I don’t ever want to forget my second-born son. If I could sit here and imagine what my son would be like, I would guess that he would be very laid back, care-free and easy going; just like his daddy. I had dreams of him being a leader and inspiring people to follow the Lord. I drew a painting over his dresser with the verse; Matthew 4:19 “Come follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” I know Asher is gone now, but this verse of his has made me want to follow Him in every way possible to come to the gates of Heaven. I know I will meet my son one day and pick up right where we left off. I know I am needed here on Earth. I have two beautiful earth angels to take care of; my beautiful Ethan and my adoring husband, Darren. I know he is resting and is in a place where everything is perfect such as he was. God has given me comfort and each day gives me one more ounce of peace. I pray that he continues to give us comfort, peace and hope in the days ahead.

At this time, I am incredibly thankful for our supportive friends and family. The love that has been shown to us is more than I could every possibly hope for. My sweet Asher may have not been on this Earth long, but I know he will make an everlasting impact on many people’s lives. I am so proud and in awe of my husband. He is my rock and has carried me through this tragedy. He is such a strong man and I am so blessed to call him my husband. And my son here on Earth, Ethan. I know he’s only two years old, but this little boy of mine is years beyond his age. He asked to see his baby brother Asher(which we let him), gave him a kiss and even stroked his face ever so gently. He is and always will be the best big brother there ever was. I can only hope that my sweet Asher sends me little signs that he is o.k. and that he is smiling down upon us throughout the years to come. We love you sweet Angel Asher and cannot wait to hold you in our arms once again.