Reminiscing....

Even after five months, I still find the tears steadily coming. I can't stop thinking about Asher. He has been consuming my thoughts here recently. I keep picturing those last moments of him in my arms. His sweet little cheeks, so pale and soft. His perfectly shaped lips, still pink and puckered.

I have a special box for him. A box where I keep his hospital blanket, his little hat which is still stained with my blood, his tape measure to show he was 21 1/2 inches long, and photos of him shortly after his birth. There's not much in there, but I hold so much more in my heart anyway. The first flutters I felt of him at 13 weeks, the flutters I felt in my stomach every time he rolled, kicked, and jabbed me. I hold the memory of all his 3D ultrasounds and his big chubby cheeks(he got it honestly). And to think we were not going to have his 3D ultrasounds in order to save money. Fortunately, I ended up having several. I couldn't get enough of my unborn son. Anyway, back to his special box. It has been sitting in my kitchen for months now, and I knew it was time to move it. Not get rid of it, but not let it be right there for me to look at every single time I walked past it. I still haven't put all of the sympathy cards in it so I grabbed those early this morning and went through every single one. Whoa. That was not easy. It brought back the intense heartache, the pain and made me feel like I was re-living September of 2012 all over again. But, Whoa. Can I tell you how much LOVE & COMPASSION was in those stack of cards? Some of the cards that held the most love were from people who we merely exchanged pleasantries with. Whoa. Now, that's God's Love being poured onto our family. I cried. But, then I smiled. I smiled because all of those prayers, all of the wishes that people had made for our family have been answered. We have been comforted. We have a renewed sense of hope. We have been blessed. So, if you're reading this and you were one of those people who reached out to our family--not necessarily by writing a card, but in anyway, we thank you. I, thank you. You have been such a blessing to our little family and please continue to lift us up.

Blessings :)
~Nikki

Let.It.Go

Here I am. I cannot believe that it's been one month since I've done a post. Of course, I had every intention of writing more than just once a month, but life gets in the way, and that's o.k. Being that it's one month from the last time I wrote, only means that it's one more month since Asher has left this earth.

I want to rewind about fifteen years from today. I was thirteen years old. You know, thinking I knew everything. I knew what was best for me. I knew who I was going to marry. I knew what I wanted. Now, I just laugh at all those things I thought were meant to be. Even fifteen years ago, I HAD to be in control. Being in control is a part that I truly believe is wired in every human. Fifteen years ago, I had everything planned out for my life and I was going to make sure it all happened. I would marry my high school sweetheart. We would have a house full of children. We would both have amazing careers. We'd have a nice house with two luxury cars parked in the driveway--nope, better yet, make them parked in the garage. Not just a two door garage, I wanted three. We needed to make sure there was room for a golf-cart. Is that enough to convince you that I am/was a control freak? I was going to make it happen!

Fast forward through life from the age of thirteen---I didn't marry my high school sweetheart. I dated several young men who were disappointments, who hurt me, but at the same time, taught me. I married a man who is the complete opposite of me in every way, but gets me and loves me for who I am. We are like two puzzle pieces who fit perfectly together and my love for him is unconditional. My husband has a good, steady job where I am blessed enough to stay home with my son. We have a quaint home that is full of good food, clothes to go on our back for more than a month without having to do laundry, and enough toys for a small country. Heck, we even have a two car garage(but, I still am going for the three car one*wink*). But, most importantly, our home is full of love. My life isn't exactly how I envisioned it......it's even better. What an amazing God to provide me exactly with what I need. We have three beautiful children: Ethan, our amazing, inspiring, living son on earth, Asher, our jewel who went to Heaven all too soon, and another child that I miscarried. For those of you maybe reading my blog for the first time, my family's lives got turned upside down on September 7, 2012. I was about a week away from delivering my second son when I didn't feel any movement. Later that day, my son was delivered, a stillborn. It still sometimes doesn't feel real that he's gone and tomorrow will be his five month anniversary. That sweet child of mine is a true gift from God. He didn't breathe one breath of air of this sinful world, but Asher has OPENED my eyes. He has helped open up my heart and completely surrender myself to our Father.  

So, it's true: God has a plan for me. But, it wasn't anything I thought it would be. I now know that no matter how much I try to take control, how much I worry, it's not going to change anything. Because, there's already a plan set. And that is why I am doing this bible study with Melissa Taylor on the book, "Let.It.Go" by Karen Ehman. Because, it's about time I REALLY Let.It.Go and give it ALL to the Lord. I can't expect to change overnight, but I am taking action to really live for the Lord, Our Heavenly Father. I am ready to give it all to Him. I am ready to do everything I do for the Glory of our Lord. I am going to live the plan He has set for me with Faith, Hope & Love. After all, isn't that what He designed us for?