Thy Will be Done

The phone rings jolting me awake from a deep slumber. I look at the Caller ID and immediately know that it's my doctor's office. I answer trying to sound awake, "Hello?" The reply, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Nikki. Did I wake you?" It was the morning of Asher's funeral and my doctor had called me to check on me and see how I was doing. I went through the perfunctory responses still half asleep, got off the phone and looked at the clock. 8:30am. All was still quiet in our house. Ethan was alseep. No baby next to my bed crying. If only I could go back to sleep to wake up and still be pregnant with a healthy baby. But, unfortunately, that wasn't the reality. I was burying my child instead.

**

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. There were good days and there were bad days. And on the bad days, I would find myself Asher's nursery in the rocking chair just grieving or praying or numb. The emotions were all over the place, but one thing was constant. The love and peace I received from my creator. I could always feel His presence during the hardest times and there were times where it was so surreal that I could actually feel his arms around me, holding me up, brushing my hair out of my face and weeping with me. He gave me the strength when I didn't have any. And he still does....because His love for me is steadfast.

It's been four years now and the emotions can still be so raw at times: especially when all is quiet in my house{which, if you know me, it isn't often now with three children living under our roof}. But, four years! The worst part of my life seems like such a long time ago, but yet at the same time, it still feels like it was just yesterday. 1,497 days ago my life shattered into a million pieces and 1,497 days later, my life is full of victory, joy, love, faith, hope. My life is now a story of redemption.

God saw my broken heart. He didn't want this to happen, but it did and He knew I had a choice: A choice to be filled with hate and pain-struck with grief because of my loss or a choice to lean on Him in everything I do. He turned my pain and used it for His glory. Each and everyone of us will have struggles, broken hearts, grief or some kind of pain. And if you are believer, look to Him and let Him work inside of you and through you so others can see His goodness and glory. Let us all be vessels for His will to be done. And if you aren't a believer, question Him, search out the answers and seek Him and He will reveal himself to you.

**

Asher, you are and will be always one of my sweetest blessings. Because of your life, the Lord has showed me that He is good, that He has a plan for me, that pure joy can only be found in Him, that He hears me and will rescue me. So, thank you sweet boy, for being such a treasure. I'll see you again one day. Mommy loves you. <3