Without God, I am a MESS

Yesterday was horrible. Just awful. It wasn't a sad day in respects to Asher, but NOTHING was going the way it was supposed to. First mistake made: Not getting up early enough. I have been trying to do my quiet time with God in the morning and as much as it hurts my sleepy little eyelids, I know I can really focus and listen to God much better in the morning. But, I was so comfy in my bed when the alarm went off, I decided to just rest my eyes a few more minutes. Well, that turned into an hour and a half longer. Ok, so 8:30 and Ethan is still asleep--I can still get in a cup of coffee and still make time for quiet time. I walk into the hallway and peek in on Ethan and there he is: bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to start the day. Ok, so now I will just postpone my quiet time until nap time. Now, it's 9:30--Darren's awake and we make the decision to miss church this morning. We start coming up with excuses: it's cold outside, how are we going to get ready in less than an hour and make it out there by 10:30. So, guess what I start doing: working on our household budget for 2013. I should have known better than to start working on a project like this on a Sunday--a day of rest!! So, we then decide to go into town, stop by a couple of stores, eat lunch and go grocery shopping. First stop, Kohls. Here's my mission: find a decently inexpensive dress and shoes to wear to my Mary Kay meetings. 30 minutes later: Mission aborted. I tried on a skirt and a dress and completely felt defeated as they were too tight. Everytime I look in the mirror, Satan overtakes my whole mind and my self-image goes down the drain. It's not the best feeling in the world gaining 50+ pounds while pregnant and then looking in the mirror and seeing the extra weight . With Ethan, I was a little easier on myself, because I had him. I had Ethan. This time, I just have nothing but flab and cellulite stabbing my heart like a dagger. I leave the dressing room feeling sorry for myself and try to attempt the shoe department with Ethan in tow(Darren decided he wanted to look at kitchen gadgets). Have you ever tried looking and trying on shoes with a two year old? I don't recommend it. He kept wanting me to chase him and play hide and seek.....this just wasn't working. I scolded him for not staying close to me and decided this was enough. I had to leave the store. Talk about an "unglued" moment. 12:30---let's just try grocery shopping. Oh crap, it's lunchtime and Ethan's cranky and he needs a nap. Being the "awesome" parents we are, we feed our son chicken tenders in the racecar buggy at Publix. I know, I deserve a gold medal! At this point, I just don't care. I want to get home and get Ethan in the bed because my negative emotions are obviously rubbing off on my son and husband.

Ahhhh...it's naptime. Both Ethan and Darren are sleeping. I decided to go for a thirty minute run to clear my head and then attempt my quiet time. Running did clear my head, but as soon as I sat down to read my Bible, guess who wakes up? I won't go on about the rest of my day, but you get the picture. It was just a downward spiral.

BUT, in between these "unglued" moments, God still showed His grace. Ethan didn't throw a temper tantrum all day long. At Kohls, when I exploded at Darren that we just HAD to leave the store RIGHT at that very moment, he kept his calm and when we got into the car he asked me what was really going on and began to comfort me. I knew it was His grace shining through my husband because Darren usually let's me cool down before even trying to talk to me, but yesterday, he instantly put everything into perspective and showed his compassion for the pain I was going through. And God used my unit director for Mary Kay that evening to say words that spoke right to my heart about all the demons I faced yesterday. She had no idea about the horrible day I had either--coincidence, I think not.

I pushed God into the corner all day long telling myself time with Him can wait. He gave His only Son, for me, and this is how I repay him? By putting time with Him on the back burner? Even so, he poured His Grace over me and by the end of the day, there was peace in my heart. His love is unconditional and thank goodness for that, because I know this won't be the last time I lose sight of what is most important. Yesterday was a hard lesson learned. Today, I started it right. I started it with my Heavenly Father. Without Him, I am a mess.

Life Goes On...Life Must Go On.

I'm not quite sure if someone told me this recently or I read it somewhere, but this is true: Right now, I am in a spiritual bubble. The past six weeks has been nothing short of amazing. My family and I have been covered in prayer and our needs have been taken care of in so many ways. And, I'm going to be honest; I do not want this bubble to pop. When I have people come up to me and tell me they are thinking and praying for us, it gives me such comfort. But, what about a month from now, a year from now, or a decade from now? Life has to go on, people are going to forget. It's such a hard thing to accept that this is a reality, but it's true. I know we will think about Asher every day of our lives, but, I know my neighbors or possibly even some friends will slowly begin to forget. I'm afraid once reality sets in, my grieving is going to really set in.

Today is one of the last things we had to do for Asher, here on Earth. We had to pick out his gravestone. I've been dreading this for two reasons: 1) I should not be burying my child. They are supposed to be bury me. & 2) This is the last thing that we have to complete Asher's burial. In a way, I feel like this is the point.....where life must go on. It was a very overwhelming experience, to say the least. At the end of the appointment, I felt good that we picked a beautiful piece with the Scripture God intended for him, Matthew 4:19:"Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men." Later that day, I was going through my winter clothes that I store at my mother-in-law's house and I saw one of Darren's old devotional books. I walked past it to leave the house, but something told me to go back and get it for my sister. I went back, picked it up and opened the book to read one devotional. The first one I looked at was titled "Follow Me," and was centered on Matthew 4:19. If only you could see my smile.

Today was also the first time we went to Asher's graveside. I wept. I cried out to Lord, "Why Asher?" Before we left Nicholls, we came back to visit Asher with Ethan and my son literally turns from his "terrible twos," to a respectful, little boy. We told him Asher's body is in the ground, but his spirit is in heaven with Jesus and he blows a kiss to the sky and says "I love you Baby Asher." I know people say death can be confusing for small children, but Ethan just gets it. Ethan started taking the gravel from his great-grandfather's grave and sprinkling them on Asher's. I told him let's name the rocks with emotions we feel when we think of Asher. So, of course, I started so I could demonstrate. As he lays the tiny rocks down one by one, I say "this one is for love, this one is for happiness...." Ethan pipes in, "this one is for sad, this one is for growing....." Oh, how my little boy just amazes me with his maturity. Oh, how I wish Asher could have been here with us---I have no doubt in my mind that Ethan would have been an amazing and nurturing big brother.

So, with all of this being said, I know that things are going to start slowing down. Life will go on for all of us, but, for me, my son in Heaven will continuously be in my thoughts: When I'm sitting on my back porch and a dragonfly lands on my leg. When I'm running and there's a beautiful sunset. When I watch Darren and Ethan playing and enjoy sounds of laughter and happiness. He is all around; Asher is with me.

Asher's Sunset

Today is National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. Today is also my first day back at work. So, to sum it all up, today has not been the easiest. It didn't help that Ethan(my 2 1/2 year old) did NOT want to go to school this morning and wanted to stay home with Mommy. He wouldn't even make eye contact with me when I gave him a hug and kiss as I dropped him off. I know he doesn't mean to make me sad, but boy, did it make me feel horrible. I get to work and get my first phone call and the gentleman on the other line tells me congrats on the baby. You want to know what I said? Thank you. I said, thank you. Am I crazy? Probably, but did I really want to correct him so I could just break down in tears? Second phone call from an old client of mine(another gentleman) says he's glad that I'm back and then asks how the baby is. Well, my response was, "He died." I bet I made that man feel like a million bucks, but I also didn't try and rehearse what I was going to say to people when they ask. Oh, did I mention I broke down and cried on that one? Maybe I'm not as ready as I thought I was to get back into the grind. Or maybe, it will just get easier to tell people what happened to my son. But, then, my morning changed for the better, thank you Jesus.

A friend of mine sent me a blog shortly after Asher passed(thank you Amy!!!). This person's blog(www.onceuponatucker.blogspot.com) started off with a photo by Carly Marie Dudley. This person, too, lost a son the way I did and reading her blog helped me tremendously. Carly Marie Dudley, is a woman from Sydney, Austraila, who lost her son, Christian, in 2007. When Carly's son passed, she found herself drawing his name in the sand and photographing it against the sunset. And now, she has been using this gift from God to help heal parents, like me and Darren, who have lost a child too. I requested Asher's sunset about two weeks after he went to be with Jesus and I got them this morning at 10:34 A.M. The Lord took Carly and used perfect timing with her email to show me that he is with me and he cares for me and loves me so much. He said with Asher's sunset, "Everything is going to be alright, Nikki."

Lord, I just pray that for every mother who has ever lost a child through a miscarriage, had a stillborn, or lost their precious baby shortly after birth, for God to wrap his harms around them today and give them comfort and peace. I pray for these mothers to know that their child/children are in Heaven: perfect, whole and healed and that we will be reunited with them one day. I pray for the fathers, siblings, and all kinds of relatives that feel the pain and sorrow of a child leaving this earth too soon, that, they too, will be comforted, because it is so often forgotten that they are hurting too. Please, Jesus, just hold these individuals a little bit tighter today and let them know you love them and that your arms are open wide for them to receive you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Psalms 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

To visit Carly Marie Dudley's website: http://www.namesinthesand.blogspot.com/

Be Agressive....B-E Aggressive

Before Asher's arrival, I prayed every day about the things I was thankful for, for the things I thought I needed and wanted. I read Scriptures and I'm embarrassed to admit, some of it is just hard to understand. Nonetheless, this is what I referred to as my quiet time. I thought I was doing what He wanted me to. But, I didn't realize until now, that something was missing. I wasn't listening aggressively. Quiet time in the past consisted of reading Scriptures and then I would pray; nothing more, nothing less. I was only skimming the surface and I didn't realize this until recently when God spoke to me through the book "How to Listen to God" by Charles Stanley. The author states there are two kinds of listening: Passive Listening & Aggressive Listening. "A passive listener does not come to God to hear a decision from Him. The aggressive listener comes knowing and seeking to hear diligently what God has to say(Stanley 16).

I yearn to be an aggressive listener. I want to listen, understand and then ask myself, "How can I take this Scripture and apply it to my life? How can I listen more intensely? How can I be more like God?" So, instead of just skimming the surface, my pen is out and I'm ready to take notes all over God's Letter to us. Will you join me in slowing life down to listen aggressively to His word and apply it in your everyday life? I am learning slowly, but surely, and because of this, I am able to savor life's moments even in the midst of all the chaos. Thank you Jesus.

Matthew 7:24: "Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock."

A month has come and gone....

Letter to Asher:

Oh, sweet Asher. I can't believe you have been gone for a month now. Leading up to today has been really hard for me; there are days where it takes all the strength and courage I have to keep a smile on my face. I just miss you and want you back. We all do. I made your memory box a couple of days ago and I was literally doing a "photo shoot" with it. It turned out beautiful, though. I know you would be so proud!! And I am looking forward to looking at it every day. Any chance that I can have a memory of you is one that I will take.

Any chance to think about you and reminisce are moments I love. I love hearing your name. I love looking at the few photos we have of you. I love talking about you. I love to just go sit and your nursery and think of you. Sometimes it makes me sad, but most of the time it really does make me happy and brings me joy. Asher, you have been such a blessing to me and our family. Our faith and perseverance have grown stronger because of you. I no longer fear death because of you. You have brought me closer to our Heavenly Father in more ways than I can ever imagine. When you passed, I turned to the Scriptures and God's words became ALIVE!!! They have never jumped out at me the way they do now. They have so much more meaning to me. I know for me and your father, they have brought us hope and comfort. Jesus is directly telling us all the things we need to hear through the Scriptures. He instantly knows exactly where to take us in His word--isn't that just wonderful? So, thank you sweet little boy of mine!

 I hope your first month in Heaven has been nothing short of perfection :) I can just imagine you dancing and singing, always a smile on your face. I imagine you sitting on your great grandfathers' and great grandmothers' laps and listening to their stories. Knowing that you will only know happiness, joy & love makes my heart smile. It doesn't keep me from missing you, but it does bring me comfort. Give everyone hugs and kisses from me, especially Jesus!

Love you sweet boy,

Mommy

Everything about you was and is perfect.

Your great-grandmother made you booties to wear.

Just to see this everyday, will bring me happiness!

 Your big brother, Ethan, is a hoot. He's bossing your Lola in this photo :)

 And, they're off! Sent with extra TLC.

We love you to Heaven and back, Asher!