Without God, I am a MESS

Yesterday was horrible. Just awful. It wasn't a sad day in respects to Asher, but NOTHING was going the way it was supposed to. First mistake made: Not getting up early enough. I have been trying to do my quiet time with God in the morning and as much as it hurts my sleepy little eyelids, I know I can really focus and listen to God much better in the morning. But, I was so comfy in my bed when the alarm went off, I decided to just rest my eyes a few more minutes. Well, that turned into an hour and a half longer. Ok, so 8:30 and Ethan is still asleep--I can still get in a cup of coffee and still make time for quiet time. I walk into the hallway and peek in on Ethan and there he is: bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to start the day. Ok, so now I will just postpone my quiet time until nap time. Now, it's 9:30--Darren's awake and we make the decision to miss church this morning. We start coming up with excuses: it's cold outside, how are we going to get ready in less than an hour and make it out there by 10:30. So, guess what I start doing: working on our household budget for 2013. I should have known better than to start working on a project like this on a Sunday--a day of rest!! So, we then decide to go into town, stop by a couple of stores, eat lunch and go grocery shopping. First stop, Kohls. Here's my mission: find a decently inexpensive dress and shoes to wear to my Mary Kay meetings. 30 minutes later: Mission aborted. I tried on a skirt and a dress and completely felt defeated as they were too tight. Everytime I look in the mirror, Satan overtakes my whole mind and my self-image goes down the drain. It's not the best feeling in the world gaining 50+ pounds while pregnant and then looking in the mirror and seeing the extra weight . With Ethan, I was a little easier on myself, because I had him. I had Ethan. This time, I just have nothing but flab and cellulite stabbing my heart like a dagger. I leave the dressing room feeling sorry for myself and try to attempt the shoe department with Ethan in tow(Darren decided he wanted to look at kitchen gadgets). Have you ever tried looking and trying on shoes with a two year old? I don't recommend it. He kept wanting me to chase him and play hide and seek.....this just wasn't working. I scolded him for not staying close to me and decided this was enough. I had to leave the store. Talk about an "unglued" moment. 12:30---let's just try grocery shopping. Oh crap, it's lunchtime and Ethan's cranky and he needs a nap. Being the "awesome" parents we are, we feed our son chicken tenders in the racecar buggy at Publix. I know, I deserve a gold medal! At this point, I just don't care. I want to get home and get Ethan in the bed because my negative emotions are obviously rubbing off on my son and husband.

Ahhhh...it's naptime. Both Ethan and Darren are sleeping. I decided to go for a thirty minute run to clear my head and then attempt my quiet time. Running did clear my head, but as soon as I sat down to read my Bible, guess who wakes up? I won't go on about the rest of my day, but you get the picture. It was just a downward spiral.

BUT, in between these "unglued" moments, God still showed His grace. Ethan didn't throw a temper tantrum all day long. At Kohls, when I exploded at Darren that we just HAD to leave the store RIGHT at that very moment, he kept his calm and when we got into the car he asked me what was really going on and began to comfort me. I knew it was His grace shining through my husband because Darren usually let's me cool down before even trying to talk to me, but yesterday, he instantly put everything into perspective and showed his compassion for the pain I was going through. And God used my unit director for Mary Kay that evening to say words that spoke right to my heart about all the demons I faced yesterday. She had no idea about the horrible day I had either--coincidence, I think not.

I pushed God into the corner all day long telling myself time with Him can wait. He gave His only Son, for me, and this is how I repay him? By putting time with Him on the back burner? Even so, he poured His Grace over me and by the end of the day, there was peace in my heart. His love is unconditional and thank goodness for that, because I know this won't be the last time I lose sight of what is most important. Yesterday was a hard lesson learned. Today, I started it right. I started it with my Heavenly Father. Without Him, I am a mess.