Reminiscing....

Even after five months, I still find the tears steadily coming. I can't stop thinking about Asher. He has been consuming my thoughts here recently. I keep picturing those last moments of him in my arms. His sweet little cheeks, so pale and soft. His perfectly shaped lips, still pink and puckered.

I have a special box for him. A box where I keep his hospital blanket, his little hat which is still stained with my blood, his tape measure to show he was 21 1/2 inches long, and photos of him shortly after his birth. There's not much in there, but I hold so much more in my heart anyway. The first flutters I felt of him at 13 weeks, the flutters I felt in my stomach every time he rolled, kicked, and jabbed me. I hold the memory of all his 3D ultrasounds and his big chubby cheeks(he got it honestly). And to think we were not going to have his 3D ultrasounds in order to save money. Fortunately, I ended up having several. I couldn't get enough of my unborn son. Anyway, back to his special box. It has been sitting in my kitchen for months now, and I knew it was time to move it. Not get rid of it, but not let it be right there for me to look at every single time I walked past it. I still haven't put all of the sympathy cards in it so I grabbed those early this morning and went through every single one. Whoa. That was not easy. It brought back the intense heartache, the pain and made me feel like I was re-living September of 2012 all over again. But, Whoa. Can I tell you how much LOVE & COMPASSION was in those stack of cards? Some of the cards that held the most love were from people who we merely exchanged pleasantries with. Whoa. Now, that's God's Love being poured onto our family. I cried. But, then I smiled. I smiled because all of those prayers, all of the wishes that people had made for our family have been answered. We have been comforted. We have a renewed sense of hope. We have been blessed. So, if you're reading this and you were one of those people who reached out to our family--not necessarily by writing a card, but in anyway, we thank you. I, thank you. You have been such a blessing to our little family and please continue to lift us up.

Blessings :)
~Nikki

Let.It.Go

Here I am. I cannot believe that it's been one month since I've done a post. Of course, I had every intention of writing more than just once a month, but life gets in the way, and that's o.k. Being that it's one month from the last time I wrote, only means that it's one more month since Asher has left this earth.

I want to rewind about fifteen years from today. I was thirteen years old. You know, thinking I knew everything. I knew what was best for me. I knew who I was going to marry. I knew what I wanted. Now, I just laugh at all those things I thought were meant to be. Even fifteen years ago, I HAD to be in control. Being in control is a part that I truly believe is wired in every human. Fifteen years ago, I had everything planned out for my life and I was going to make sure it all happened. I would marry my high school sweetheart. We would have a house full of children. We would both have amazing careers. We'd have a nice house with two luxury cars parked in the driveway--nope, better yet, make them parked in the garage. Not just a two door garage, I wanted three. We needed to make sure there was room for a golf-cart. Is that enough to convince you that I am/was a control freak? I was going to make it happen!

Fast forward through life from the age of thirteen---I didn't marry my high school sweetheart. I dated several young men who were disappointments, who hurt me, but at the same time, taught me. I married a man who is the complete opposite of me in every way, but gets me and loves me for who I am. We are like two puzzle pieces who fit perfectly together and my love for him is unconditional. My husband has a good, steady job where I am blessed enough to stay home with my son. We have a quaint home that is full of good food, clothes to go on our back for more than a month without having to do laundry, and enough toys for a small country. Heck, we even have a two car garage(but, I still am going for the three car one*wink*). But, most importantly, our home is full of love. My life isn't exactly how I envisioned it......it's even better. What an amazing God to provide me exactly with what I need. We have three beautiful children: Ethan, our amazing, inspiring, living son on earth, Asher, our jewel who went to Heaven all too soon, and another child that I miscarried. For those of you maybe reading my blog for the first time, my family's lives got turned upside down on September 7, 2012. I was about a week away from delivering my second son when I didn't feel any movement. Later that day, my son was delivered, a stillborn. It still sometimes doesn't feel real that he's gone and tomorrow will be his five month anniversary. That sweet child of mine is a true gift from God. He didn't breathe one breath of air of this sinful world, but Asher has OPENED my eyes. He has helped open up my heart and completely surrender myself to our Father.  

So, it's true: God has a plan for me. But, it wasn't anything I thought it would be. I now know that no matter how much I try to take control, how much I worry, it's not going to change anything. Because, there's already a plan set. And that is why I am doing this bible study with Melissa Taylor on the book, "Let.It.Go" by Karen Ehman. Because, it's about time I REALLY Let.It.Go and give it ALL to the Lord. I can't expect to change overnight, but I am taking action to really live for the Lord, Our Heavenly Father. I am ready to give it all to Him. I am ready to do everything I do for the Glory of our Lord. I am going to live the plan He has set for me with Faith, Hope & Love. After all, isn't that what He designed us for?

Four Months....

Asher,
Happy four months to my little angel in heaven. I remember your big brother at four months...he was rolling over, holding his bottle, trying to sit up and eating rice cereal for the first time. Oh, how I wish I could see you make these milestones. Your Nene went to visit you today. I am so glad you have your grandparents right around the corner to watch over your body. I know they visit you often and I am so thankful that they are there to do so. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you sweet baby. We miss you more than words can ever express, but I know you are watching over us waiting for our reunion.

God led me to the verses of Deuteronomy 6:4-9 today as a reminder for your big brother. This life is hard and I have taken so many things for granted and if I can teach your big brother anything, I want him to know Jesus Christ and have faith that all things are possible in Him. Little boy, you have opened my eyes. My life has changed because of you. I am thankful for you. I love you. Until we see each other again.

Love,
Your mommy

Your headstone is beautiful with the scripture Matthew 4:19

You know your mommy loves a monogram :)

New Year, Big Changes!

Here we are, the last day of 2012. Instead of ringing in the new year with friends, my husband and I have decided to lay low and just really take the time to reflect on everything 2012 brought us and just pray for many blessings to be brought forth in 2013.

There's no way to sugarcoat this year....it was just, well, rough. And emotionally hard. But, we did have some wonderful times. The day I found out I was expecting again. The day we first heard his sweet heartbeat. Watching our oldest son, Ethan, turn two and celebrate with awesome friends and family. Going to the beach all throughout the summer and enjoying the hot sun and cool ocean water. The day we found out even with Asher's two-vessel cord, he had no abnormalities and we could rest easy the remainder of the pregnancy. Darren got a new job with a new promotion(what a financial blessing)! There really were SO many great memories this year, memories that I hold and cherish that much more because of our loss.

My dear friend came to have a Cafe Mocha with me on the back porch this afternoon(still trying to decide if there was any caffeine!), but she left me in such a peace about 2012 and with a sense of new beginning as we embark our journey as a family into 2013. My Asher has opened my eyes, my heart and my faith. Through the loss of of my son, God has taught me more things about myself and about life that I would feel could have taken a lifetime.This is God's will for our family and I have accepted that. I am going to take 2013 and take everything Asher has showed me and use my new found gifts to share with the world. I am going to let the devil keep his fears, his negativity, his hopelessness and let the light of the Lord shine through my soul, my mind, & my heart.

I am now officially a stay at home mommy to my handsome & charming son, Ethan. I never thought I would be able to say those words because of my own selfishness and love of worldly things. It's never an easy thing to admit, but it is true. This is one of the biggest leaps of faith our family has taken but I know the sacrifices made are well worth it and God will provide. I am on day one and I've already had a few moments of panic, but this is where I am supposed to be. This is how God made me. To be a fearless mother, wife, and child of God. I have Asher to thank for all of this, for opening my heart and my mind. I cannot wait to scoop him up in my arms one day, look him in the eye and just say "I love you & thank you" for being him.  And I cannot wait for my sweet Ethan to wake up from his nap, so I can scoop him up in my arms, look him in the eye and tell him how much I love him and how I thank God every day for him.

For those of you who know my hurt and my pain all too well, know that I pray for you & I lift you up daily. I love each of you and wish you nothing but the beautiful blessings from God in 2013.

Ethan Mitchell Ellis: Christmas 2012

Merry Christmas!

It's the day after Christmas and my little boy is sleeping off a fever and a bad cough aka the croup. We spent two hours in the walk-in clinic this morning with many other sick people. My husband left the house at 5:00 AM for a business trip until Friday. But, I'm still here and I'm still happy.

It's so easy to get caught up in the negative things and this Christmas, I made a promise to myself that I would try my best to stay cheerful and positive.....and guess what, it worked! This sounds so cheesy, but attitude is everything! Yes, I could have moped around, drowning in tears from missing Asher, but I choose to rejoice in the birth of our Savior and his gift for us and the promise to be reunited with Asher.

I want to tell you my absolute favorite part about Christmas 2012. It's 9am(my son loves to sleep in, yay!) and we're huddled around the Christmas tree and Darren tells Ethan to get my little present he hid inside the tree(smart hubby!). Great things come in small packages, right? :) Ethan knew right where they had put it and pulls out a small little box from Steel's jewelry....oooh, la, la! As Ethan handed it to me, he said, "Here Mommy, this one's from Baby Asher." I looked at Darren, he shrugs his shoulders telling me he didn't tell Ethan to say that and I just knew at that moment, Asher was all around us, celebrating with us. There was warmth and there was love and something so spiritual about yesterday morning. I am so blessed to have two beautiful sons......

Merry Christmas, friends!! I love you all....

Hope, Love & Peace for Newtown, CT

Tomorrow marks the week of the Newtown, CT shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School. I was in an appointment with no cell phone and had no idea what had happened until after I got out around noon. It was on the radio in my car and I listened in disbelief on my way to work. I went immediately to my computer once I arrived and just stared and stared. Scared, Sad, Angry, & Confusion were some of the immediate feelings that filled me to the core.

Immediately after Thanksgiving, I started to feel the waves of sadness creeping in about not having Asher with us for the Holidays. I would cry behind closed doors, even so my husband wouldn't see me. Everytime I saw someone post a photo of their newborn baby, I would get a little teary-eyed, because I don't get to share that moment with my baby. I'm not going to pretend; this is REALLY hard. But, I had friends remind me through God's Word, through e-mails, through devotionals, that everything is going to be o.k. So, I started focusing on the GOOD. Asher is in the safest place in this world. Asher gets to spend his first Christmas with the Savior himself. I am going to focus on the gift of our Lord more than ever before, because it is through Him that I have eternal life. It is through him, I will be able to hold my child again one day. The more I engraved these statements into my soul and read the truth, the more I was brought to peace during this Christmas season. And then last Friday, I felt as if all the good in this world had been shattered.

Shattered because, my heart hurt so much to see that twenty other sets of parents had lost a child.
Shattered because, our society is such an evil, wicked place.
Shattered because, our society has completely left God out of this situation.

When people tell me they are sorry for my loss they almost always include, "I just can't imagine what that would be like." Now as I sit here, I think to myself, "I just can't imagine what these people are going through." Even though losing Asher was completely unexpected, he went to Heaven from the safest place on earth, my womb. The Newtown kids and teachers left in the most unimaginable and horrific way possible. There are no words that can be said to make them feel better. I just continually pray every day for everyone directly affected by this tragedy and pray that they will find peace, comfort, and hope through all of this. I will never be able to compare this to my loss, but, through the midst of the sadness, tears, and grief, I hope and pray that some good can come of this. I hope there are people's lives who are saved and are brought closer to God than they could ever imagine.

Here is the truth that has helped me through this Christmas season. May the residents of Newtwon find hope, love, and peace in the truth.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

Psalm 71: A passage of HOPE for me

Shortly after Asher had left this Earth, I asked my Pastor, which book of the Bible should I read considering my circumstance? Which book will help me with my healing process? He replied, The Book of Psalms. Many passages have stood out to me, but God recently has been giving me the message of HOPE. He wants me to have hope for my future. He wants me to have hope in Him. I think & am hoping this is His way of preparing me for the holidays we are embarking. The days are starting to get harder but when I submerse myself into the truth, it does make me feel better about where I am at with my son's death. I just wanted to share this Psalm and maybe it will speak volumes for you as it has for me.

Psalm 71: 1-24

In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame. Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness; turn your ear to me and save me. Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress. Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of evil and cruel men.

For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth. From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother's womb. I will ever praise you. I have become more like a portent to many, but you are my strong refuge. My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long.

Do not cast me away when I am old; do not forsake me when my strength is gone. For my enemies speak against me; those who wait to kill me conspire together. They say, "God has forsaken him; pursue him and seize him, for no one will rescue him." Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me. May my accusers perish in shame; may those who want to harm me be covered with scorn and disgrace.

But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure. I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign Lord; I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone. Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come.

You righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things. Who, O God, is like you? Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

I will praise you with the harp for your faithfulness, O my God; I will sing praise to you with the lyre, O Holy One of Israel. My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you-I, whom you have redeemed. My tongue will tell of your righteous acts all day long, for those who wanted to harm me have been put to shame and confusion.