Happy 4 Months, Princess!

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray.

 My sweet, silly, loud, Emma Jemma :) You are four months today. I cannot believe how fast time is slipping through my fingers. Taking pictures constantly of you is the only way I know how to freeze time. The past two weeks you have been regressing in your sleep & it hasn't been easy. You used to sleep through the night and now you get up around 3AM. That's easy peasy. But, whew, girlfriend! You and I battle during the day:---you fuss, you yawn, I rock, you cry, I rock, you pout.......and then you sleep. I keep rocking because I know you need the sleep. And I stare at your precious chubby cheeks and your tiny, yet full lips. I memorize your little fingers and toes because they are literally growing in front of my eyes. I listen to you fall in a deeper sleep and then you start to snore. And I know then, that I have done exactly what you needed. To be there for you through the rough patch, to calm you down, to put you at ease. I hope I can always be that to you sweet one!

 And I finally lift you up to lay you in your crib as gently as I can so I don't wake you. And I take the next twenty minutes(yes, that is how long your naps are these days!) and love on your big brother. Your patient, loving, big brother, Ethan. He is so understanding of your needs & it truly amazes me that an almost four year old can be that compassionate for his sister. I don't want to rush time by saying this, but, I know we have some fun times and tickle fights in our near future with you and your big brother. 

 Baby girl, you are growing leaps and bounds! You weigh about 17lbs now and about 25" long. I say about, because the home scale gave us about four different weights so we took an average :) and your length...well, I did the best I could because you're a little wiggle worm!

 You are doing so much better with tummy time these days. I'm not going to sit here and say you like it, because let's face it....you really don't. You just tolerate it. But, I promise, baby girl, I wouldn't make you do it if it weren't for your well being. You even did a little mini push-up for the first time yesterday!

 Here is proof that you only tolerate it for so long......

 You may not enjoy tummy time, but you LOVE to be sitting up. You want to see the world! I ordered a high chair for you yesterday so you could sit up with mommy in the kitchen---your legs are even too chunky for the bumbo. You are still exclusively breast fed and still refuse to take a bottle! Daddy has even tried to feed you milk with a medicine dropper and you will not have it. The past four months have been such an adventure little one. We can't wait for many more. Love you always & forever little princess....Love, Mommy.

~Trust Me~

Emma's three months and thriving. Ethan's almost four and is full of personality. Darren found a new job this past year and is striving to be successful at everything he does(sweetie, you are absolutely amazing and I love you for everything you are and everything you do). And I'm at home watching my babies the majority of the week, watching every move, hearing every giggle, kissing every boo-boo. So, life is great, right? Well, almost.

I have been missing Asher so much here recently. When I found out I was pregnant, my first thought besides shock, is that God is going to heal our hearts through this beautiful miracle. While my heart beats with happiness every time I look at my children, my heart still aches. Let me be the first to tell anyone, time does NOT heal. Now that the newborn phase is over and schedules are more recognizable and my foggy head is starting to clear, I can actually sit back and reflect(well, maybe just for a few minutes, but it's progress.) But, I honestly feel like I am grieving all over again, like it's made its way back full circle. I have been feeling like this for almost a month and honestly *gasp* thought I might have PPD(Post-Partum Depression). I was
< this > close to picking up the phone and calling my doctor, but I prayed. I prayed that my grief would not cloud my ability to parent my children. And I also reached out to fellow mom's that have also lost children, and found comfort knowing that what I was feeling was absolutely normal. To clarify what I have been feeling is mostly a sense of guiltiness. Guilty that I have been so happy for having Emma in my life and enjoying her so much. Sadness when we are playing as a family and I imagine Asher being with us and trying to smother his little sister and trying to act like his big brother. But, I've been praying for something, for anything and He spoke to me this morning. God spoke beautiful words.

He said, "Trust Me." He said, "Have Faith in Me."

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

Hebrews 11:24-27 "By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh's daughter. He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. By faith, he left Egypt, not fearing the king's anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible."

God doesn't always answer my prayers, I can truly attest to this. But, He still calls me to completely trust in Him. He still calls me to have complete faith in Him. I can and will be healed when I live for Him. I still do not know the reason why He called Asher home, but I have to believe that it was for the good of "his purpose." I think of Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

All I know is this. I have been injured; my heart has been broken. But I live every moment, every day in His promise for me and you. My heart will be healed one day. The day my Father calls me home. Thank you, Jesus, for speaking such precious words to me this morning.

Happy Birthday to Yous!

Little Miss Emma celebrated her 3 month birthday yesterday & Daddy celebrated the big 3-2 today!!! So, lots of yummy food(including my first ever homemade five layered cake) and celebration going on in our home this weekend :)

A little bit of where my little beauty is at three months. Girl, let me tell you! You are the complete opposite of your brother and Mommy is really feeling like a first time mom all over again! Or maybe it's the fact of trying to meet the needs of two youngin's vs. one. At three months, you are:

* Sleeping through the night, well most nights!!! 9pm-5am! You go girl!
* Weigh at least 15.5lbs....I'd weigh you, but you're taking a nice, long nap :)
* Get really excited when you wake up and is full of smiles. We love your gummy smiles!
* You are such a happy & social baby! You just give those smiles out to everyone!
* You're a talker!....well, a babbler, really.....
* You absolutely adore your big brother, always looking for him which melts my heart!
* You have NO, I mean NO desire to roll over at all. You would rather be held and walked around to look at everything.
* You despise tummy time. Your doctor is not going to be happy to hear about this!
* You will not take a bottle. Well, your babysitter got you to take 1.5oz last week, so we are making some progress!!!
*As daddy would say, "You are just like your momma....high maintenance!"

Momma, get my good side!

Brother & sister love!

Just so you can see the full effect of how much she likes to eat!

The five layered cake--homemade & delicious!!!!

OMG. One of my now favorite pics! Couldn't have even planned this!

Ethan will be blowing out everyone's candles until he's at least 25!

~Love~

A friend challenged me earlier this week to find a word that I could focus on for 2014. A word that I could work towards as a sort of a goal in a Godly fashion. I was up for the challenge--but whoa--this is going to be hard. I thought of all the ways I wanted to better myself this year and I kept coming back to love. I want to grow my relationship with God, and the only way I can do that is by loving Him with all that I am. I want to nurture my husband and build our marriage up so that nothing can break us, and the way to do that is to love him with all that I am. I want to be a better parent to my children, and the only way to do that is to love them with all that I am. I want to show my friends how much I care for them, and the only way to do that is to love them with all that I am.

Love is such a simple word, but such a hard thing to do. The first verse I read about love:

Romans 12:9-18NIV "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

I am so eager to live out this year in God's love. Is there a word tugging at your heart for this year? I want to challenge anyone who is reading this to pray about that word and live it out!

So, dear friend, challenge accepted. Please hold me accountable!!

Happy One Month Birthday, Emma Charlotte!

1 Samuel: 27-28 ESV
"27For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him. 28Therefore I have lent him to the LORD. As long as he lives, he is lent to the LORD."

Hi Pretty Princess,

You have no idea how much joy it brings to me every time I look at your peaceful little face. A year ago I was grieving the loss of your older brother and now I have you in my arms. I would have never guessed this was God's plan for us. And I am forever thankful. He has prepared me for you this past year and my heart has never been so full of love for you and Ethan. 

Emma, you have made this past month so beautiful. I had no idea what to expect or how to feel once you came, but I am overcome with happiness and thankfulness. I look at your big brother, Ethan, holding you and loving on you and cannot help but to praise God. 

At one month, you:
* weigh 10lbs 9oz (7lbs 5oz at birth), 
* you LOVE to eat (refer back to your weight), 
* you wake up twice during the night to nurse and have a diaper change, 
* you love bath time, 
* you smiled at a few days old (while asleep) but now will smile at me awake :))
* you can turn your head side to side,
* your eyes are still a dark blue,
* you can hold an object if we put it in your hand,
* you grunt like a pig all night long in your sleep,
* you love to be held/worn in the K'tan wrap,
* you have a calm & peaceful disposition

I truly cannot wait to see what the months ahead bring in your precious life and through the holidays! 

Love always,
Your mommy

You're 10 days old.....

Hey there sweet baby girl, 

It's Mommy, here. You're in my arms nursing for the 11th time today. And Mommy's tired and exhausted. But, I want you to know something. Your Mommy wouldn't have it any other way. I have been dreaming of this ever since your biggest brother Ethan was too old to even be called a "baby" anymore. I never thought my dream would be shattered last year when your other brother, Asher, left this world to go to Heaven. 

There's this saying, "The Lord giveth, The Lord taketh away." And sitting with a group of wonderful women studying the Word, it was brought to our attention that really, "The Lord giveth, The Lord taketh away, and The Lord giveth more." Sweet And precious Emma, you are my "more." I have been blessed by your precious life and your precious smiles. And it is my promise to you and your brother Ethan to love you both with all that I have. To nurture you only the way a mother can. To kiss your boo-boo's and teach you your ABC's. And to show you how to love and live like Jesus. Oh, how wonderful this life will be. 

Sweet dreams precious one,

Love,

Mommy

Have a little faith in me....

It was a hot, muggy August day. The sun scorched Ethan and me as we walked to little Miss Ava's birthday party, beads of sweat starting to form on both of our heads. Several kids were jumping on the bounce house having a wonderful time and Ethan decided he was better off on the front porch because it was a "girl" bounce house and not a "boy" one....silly kid, but who was I to argue? The next thing I noticed was a ever so light buzzing. Turning my head to see if I needed to react in fear of a wasp or bee, all I saw was this harmless dragonfly. I put my finger out and it landed right on it, with no hesitation. It was beautiful and I can say that with confidence because this dragonfly contentedly mapped my finger and hand and went across the little bridge of my son's finger connecting to mine for a few minutes as if he was our house pet and knew us. For a few minutes, Ethan talked to the little dragonfly in his innocent three year old voice while I just took in the moment. The dragonfly had a black body with a huge blue head and it's wings were this bright, green color. It was the most beautiful insect I honestly had ever laid eyes on. And in those few minutes, any thought of dying from a heat stroke were gone. 

A year ago, I would sit on our back porch and pray, think, and cry over my lost son. And there would always be dragonflies and I truly believe that was God's sign for our family of Asher. They would surround us out on the back porch and land on us. Such a small insect in a big world taking such a leap of faith to trust enough to land on the unknown. And on the hot, August day, as I watched this beautiful creature, it hit me. God is telling me something so beautiful right now, in this moment. And it took a year for it to be so clear. God knows in this world there is fear in the unknown, but all He asks of us is to believe in Him, to have hope in Him and to have FAITH and to TRUST in all things Him and we will be taken care of. It's amazing how if we stop and take the time to really listen, He is speaking to us all the time. I am so grateful for the message through the dragonfly and how God reminds me of all the blessings through the storms.