~Trust Me~

Emma's three months and thriving. Ethan's almost four and is full of personality. Darren found a new job this past year and is striving to be successful at everything he does(sweetie, you are absolutely amazing and I love you for everything you are and everything you do). And I'm at home watching my babies the majority of the week, watching every move, hearing every giggle, kissing every boo-boo. So, life is great, right? Well, almost.

I have been missing Asher so much here recently. When I found out I was pregnant, my first thought besides shock, is that God is going to heal our hearts through this beautiful miracle. While my heart beats with happiness every time I look at my children, my heart still aches. Let me be the first to tell anyone, time does NOT heal. Now that the newborn phase is over and schedules are more recognizable and my foggy head is starting to clear, I can actually sit back and reflect(well, maybe just for a few minutes, but it's progress.) But, I honestly feel like I am grieving all over again, like it's made its way back full circle. I have been feeling like this for almost a month and honestly *gasp* thought I might have PPD(Post-Partum Depression). I was
< this > close to picking up the phone and calling my doctor, but I prayed. I prayed that my grief would not cloud my ability to parent my children. And I also reached out to fellow mom's that have also lost children, and found comfort knowing that what I was feeling was absolutely normal. To clarify what I have been feeling is mostly a sense of guiltiness. Guilty that I have been so happy for having Emma in my life and enjoying her so much. Sadness when we are playing as a family and I imagine Asher being with us and trying to smother his little sister and trying to act like his big brother. But, I've been praying for something, for anything and He spoke to me this morning. God spoke beautiful words.

He said, "Trust Me." He said, "Have Faith in Me."

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

Hebrews 11:24-27 "By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh's daughter. He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. By faith, he left Egypt, not fearing the king's anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible."

God doesn't always answer my prayers, I can truly attest to this. But, He still calls me to completely trust in Him. He still calls me to have complete faith in Him. I can and will be healed when I live for Him. I still do not know the reason why He called Asher home, but I have to believe that it was for the good of "his purpose." I think of Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

All I know is this. I have been injured; my heart has been broken. But I live every moment, every day in His promise for me and you. My heart will be healed one day. The day my Father calls me home. Thank you, Jesus, for speaking such precious words to me this morning.