Have a little faith in me....

It was a hot, muggy August day. The sun scorched Ethan and me as we walked to little Miss Ava's birthday party, beads of sweat starting to form on both of our heads. Several kids were jumping on the bounce house having a wonderful time and Ethan decided he was better off on the front porch because it was a "girl" bounce house and not a "boy" one....silly kid, but who was I to argue? The next thing I noticed was a ever so light buzzing. Turning my head to see if I needed to react in fear of a wasp or bee, all I saw was this harmless dragonfly. I put my finger out and it landed right on it, with no hesitation. It was beautiful and I can say that with confidence because this dragonfly contentedly mapped my finger and hand and went across the little bridge of my son's finger connecting to mine for a few minutes as if he was our house pet and knew us. For a few minutes, Ethan talked to the little dragonfly in his innocent three year old voice while I just took in the moment. The dragonfly had a black body with a huge blue head and it's wings were this bright, green color. It was the most beautiful insect I honestly had ever laid eyes on. And in those few minutes, any thought of dying from a heat stroke were gone. 

A year ago, I would sit on our back porch and pray, think, and cry over my lost son. And there would always be dragonflies and I truly believe that was God's sign for our family of Asher. They would surround us out on the back porch and land on us. Such a small insect in a big world taking such a leap of faith to trust enough to land on the unknown. And on the hot, August day, as I watched this beautiful creature, it hit me. God is telling me something so beautiful right now, in this moment. And it took a year for it to be so clear. God knows in this world there is fear in the unknown, but all He asks of us is to believe in Him, to have hope in Him and to have FAITH and to TRUST in all things Him and we will be taken care of. It's amazing how if we stop and take the time to really listen, He is speaking to us all the time. I am so grateful for the message through the dragonfly and how God reminds me of all the blessings through the storms. 

The beating of my heart. . .

 

 

Having lunch with a good friend, we were discussing what organ she would be learning next in her physics and anatomy class: the heart. And I have not been able to stop thinking about the heart since. What a complex, intricate organ the heart is. This is what Dr. Google says and I'm pretty sure I believe it. Besides the brain, the heart is one of the most intricate organs in our body. I know we didn't sign up for an anatomy lesson when we opened this blog, but it's pretty neat to read about what our hearts do for each of our bodies. Over the course of the day, our hearts beat 100,00 times and shuttle 2,000 oxygen-rich gallons of blood throughout our body. Our hearts can create enough energy in a day to drive a truck 20 miles. Because the heart has its own electrical impulse, it can continue to beat even when separated from the body, as long as it has an adequate supply of oxygen. During an average lifetime, the heart will pump nearly 1.5 million barrels of blood—enough to fill 200 train tank cars. If you ask me, that's a lot of responsibility for an organ the size of a fist!

 

But, as we talked about the heart over lunch in those few minutes, all I could think in my head was, the heart is what failed my 7lb 4oz little boy's body. I have seen death throughout my life: I have lost all four grandparents, have watched my husband lose his first grandparent, have watched friends lose their parents; and it's not fun. It's hard watching the people you love hurt so much and to be grieving so much. But, we all know life has to come to an end here on earth and I know logically, that it is the circle of life. But, what happens when the circle of life doesn't follow that path? What happens when a husband/wife loses a spouse so early in life or parents loses a beloved son/daughter so early? The grieving takes a whole other route; a route full of "what if's" and dreams being crushed.

 

A week from today will be a year since Asher has gone to heaven. I no longer dwell on the "what if's" and dreams because God had his destiny mapped out for him long before I even knew I was carrying him. If it wasn't for God's grace and mercy this year, I honestly don't know where I would be. I'm not testifying that this has been easy by any means; in fact, this has been the most challenging, hard, and life-changing year of my life. And I am so fortunate and blessed to know and understand that my Father in Heaven has held my hand every time my heart is saddened, every time my heart is filled with joy, and every time my heart has been filled with confusion. I have had my moments of darkness and every time, my Father has saved me through what He speaks to me and through the people around me. Because of his saving grace, I am not the same person I was a year ago. My heart has changed. It has opened to Christ and has let his goodness, mercy, grace, love and compassion fill it with leaps and bound. My heart is beating stronger knowing that God has a plan and purpose for my life and every day I am getting closer to realizing my purpose. I am just so thankful for His love. That He loved us enough to give his only son so I could live eternally with Him and with my sweet angel in heaven.

 

As a mother, there is no harder thing than having to say hello and goodbye to a child in the same day. Please keep me & my whole family in your thoughts and prayers as we approach this day and know that while my heart is still beating, I live for Him.

 

Many blessings to you all <3

~Nikki~







Ethan's First Day of Pre-K 3!

 

Don't judge, but I really had no intentions of being sentimental as I dropped my three year old to his first day of PreK-3 at our church, Hahira United Methodist Church. For a child who has been taken care of by others at a child care center since he was eight weeks old and the fact that it is our church who is doing the program, you would naturally think this would be a piece of cake for any child. But, with my Ethan, my pre-conceived notion would only be that I would drop him off, watch him cry as I left and feel bad for leaving him as I always have. HAHA, my kid seriously threw me for a loop this morning and as soon as I got in the car, tears were welling up in my eyes as I called his Daddy to tell him how our drop-off went. We took our ceremonious first day of school photos, went inside and greeted everyone, filled out a fun filled fact sheet about Ethan and immediately found something fun to play with. Ms. Dana(one of Ethan's teachers) was spot-on when she mentioned play-doh! I told Ethan I was going to go and he was too enthralled with play-doh to even notice me! What? Is this my child? I finally got him to give me a hug and told him to "Have a Great Day!" with an over-exaggerated voice and he replies with a big smile, "Ok, Mommy. I will!" Anyone who knows my child well enough, knows he's reserved and has some anxiety when being left with people he's not familiar with. Well, not today!

Just one smile, Ethan!!

 

 

Mommy & Ethan

Fast forward, three hours later for pick-up, and he was smiling in his little blue chair with his oversized bag hanging on his arms waiting for his Mommy to pick him up. I loved how his teachers were so eager to tell me all about his first day in detail and I could tell he, in fact, had a great day! To solidify it, Ethan says on the way to the car, "Mommy, I want to go back to Vacation Bible School(VBS) and I want you to leave me." Yup, another proud mommy moment. And yes, we have been calling it Vacation Bible School because PK-3 is at our church and Ms. Dana taught VBS and we wanted him to feel comfortable. Whatever works, eh? So, Day One: Check. A Big, Awesome, Check!

This next little tid-bit is more for myself to re-cap at the end of the school year. As Ethan enters his year of PK-3, he can identify about half of the alphabet, identify numbers 1-10 and count almost to 30. He is completely self sufficient when it comes to getting dressed/undressed with the occasional silly antics he pulls to make us laugh. He's familiar with common shapes and colors and absolutely loves anything arts & crafts. He literally just started writing his name on his own(capital letters) which has totally blown us away since we haven't been pushing or practicing. Ethan knows his full name as well as him Mommy's and Daddy's, the city and state in which he lives, and his birthday. Ethan is very social and warm around those he is very comfortable with and can be shy around friends/people he doesn't see as often; very much like his daddy. His favorite color is blue and favorite food is anything that's bad for him, lol. He really does love all kinds of fruit, hamburgers and french fries. Ethan still does not like any kind of vegetable. His imagination is out of this world and loves re-enacting story books that we read to him or movies that he watches. Right now, his favorite books are anything to do with Jesus or stories from the Bible, and we hope to keep it that way! Ethan loves his baby sister so much and can't get enough of kissing her/my belly, making silly faces to her and "making her laugh" in my belly. Again, we are hoping it stays that way once she is here! I'm eager to watch him and grow and learn through this school year and feeling very blessed to have such an amazing young boy as my son. Love you my shoogs!!!

After a fun-filled day!!!

Half Baked!

Let's be honest with myself, I can cook, but, most of the time, I simply choose not to. When you have an awesome husband who actually enjoys messing up the kitchen and making delicious food is there any reason to argue with that? However, I will admit, I am making an honest effort to try to enjoy cooking for my family and the bonus is more time with all three of us together(and I can finally stand the texture and smell of raw meat)! On another note, one thing I am awesome at is baking!!! Well, not cakes, or chocolate treats, but baking buns in the oven ;~)

I cannot believe I am twenty weeks pregnant with our sweet, precious miracle. Halfway there! So far, we have had nine ultrasounds, one really big scare at fourteen weeks, and a really great and healthy report at our eighteen week anatomy scan. And for the icing on my metaphorical baking, it's a girl. I keep telling everyone, I will not be surprised at all if "she" comes out a "he." According to statistics, she weighs around 10.5 oz(she weighed 9oz two weeks ago), is 6.4 inches from head to bottom and is the size of banana. And for your viewing pleasure:

My husband, Darren is excited. One of the first things he told me after we found out the sex is that he was afraid he wouldn't know how to play with a girl and that all he knew was boy fun and games. I told him, from having the XX chromosome, that he has nothing to worry about. She will have NO problem telling him HOW to play, WHERE to play, WHEN to play,  & WHATEVER she may choose to play ;). I know if she's anything like her mommy, we are in for a wild ride!

My three year old son, Ethan, has mixed feelings about the whole baby business. He is constantly wanting her to be here already asking me when she is going to come out of mommy's tummy, but he refuses to hold her, feed her or change any poopy diapers....I don't understand why he doesn't want to change stinky pants ;) Hoping his outlook on her changes once she arrives. Ethan still never ceases to amaze me. A couple of nights ago, he called for me while he was in bed---after he needed to go to the bathroom, after we put his "itchy" cream on his bug bite, after we got him his glass of water---to tell me he missed Baby Asher and he wanted him to come home. It breaks our hearts to see him miss his baby brother and I just tell him we get to be reunited with him one day because of God's promise for us.

I never imagined that I would be pregnant again this soon and I can finally feel confident in saying she is a complete and pleasant surprise for our whole family. My emotions have been nothing short of a roller coaster and I try to take every day, one day at a time. At the beginning, I found myself crying A LOT. I felt like I was betraying Asher in a sense of another baby coming into our life so soon. I had to remind myself that this is God's plan for us and for our sweet baby girl, not ours. I was and still am afraid of losing another child because all of our days are numbered......

But, today, I am pregnant! And half-baked :~)

Happy Mother's Day....A Day Late!

I wanted so bad to write on here yesterday for so many reasons. My head was swirling around with so many thoughts and emotion. I haven't been on here lately, and I just needed to write. I just needed to let it all out. And it seemed so perfect to write on Mother's Day, but the more I got to thinking about it, the more I knew I needed to spend special moments with my husband and son and I'm glad I did. Yesterday was pretty awesome.....woke up to breakfast in bed, went to church and got the corsage for being the youngest mom, second year in a row; hopefully, next year, I won't be the youngest anymore! Witnessed my painfully shy three year old tell two mothers at church "Happy Mother's Day" WITHOUT us prompting him to(that was MAJOR!). Came home real quick to put pot roast in the crock pot and headed out for a picnic on the front lawn of Valdosta State University. We set up under a big oak tree(or at least Darren said it was) and it was a beautiful afternoon in every way. There was a slight breeze in the air and we ate Wendy's(yes, that is what I picked out!) and just played all over the front lawn with our precious three year old. I've noticed he's gaining quite the sense of humor and is constantly being silly and keeps us laughing all day long! We ran, we jumped, we tickled, we made silly faces, we threw the ball. Ethan took his imagination to a whole new level when he deemed himself the Larry Tinman; Darren, the scarecrow, and me; the lion from his favorite Veggietales movie, "The Land of Ha's" and we followed the "yellow" or should I say the red brick road of VSU all the way down to the Land of Ha's aka the VSU Library. Just in case you're totally confused, The Land of Ha's is simply a spinoff of the Wizard of Oz in Veggietale fashion :) We came home, attempted to do arts and crafts, and someone started getting cranky and before I knew it, Ethan was asleep at 6---we tried to forgo a nap all day in hopes of him being a trooper, but, we failed. My baby must have been so wiped out, because that little stinker didn't wake up until 9:30 this morning!!! Y'all---that's 15 hrs!! I kept feeling his head thinking he was sick, but he woke up so happy, refreshed and ready to go!

Practicing our "Thumbs Up!"

So, all in all, yesterday was good.....Several times, the "what if's" started popping into my head. What if Asher was with us today? This would have been my first Mother's Day with him. Would we have done anything differently? Would he giggling at his big brother as much as we do? But, I had to tell myself to stop. I have to focus on what is front of me in this moment---and that is Ethan & Darren. Ethan's smile and dimples can make all my heartache go away in a moment and Darren's hug just allows me to melt into his arms. I was able to let myself enjoy yesterday, because I didn't try so hard to focus on what "Wasn't", but to focus on what "is." I read that last sentence back to myself and it sounds horrible. But, please don't misunderstand me. When all is quiet, I do think about Asher and what he is like and doing in heaven. I remember reading "Heaven is For Real" shortly after I had my miscarriage in 2011 and the little boy met his sister(whom his mom miscarried) and his grandfather(who passed before he was born). When he met his relatives, his sister was older and his grandfather was younger; how God sees them. And this makes me think---is Asher older in heaven? Maybe six or seven years old and running around playing with other children? Or could he still be an infant in the care of maybe my grandmother or grandfather? It's nice to imagine him up there full of life.

I know Mother's Day is supposed to be this fairtyale, princess sort of day dedicated to moms. But, for me, yesterday, was contentment. I enjoyed the blessings I have here on earth with all of my heart.

And just for giggles and to hopefully, make your heart smile, some photos to caption the day:



Ethan's Happy Face--what he does when we say "Smile!"

Ethan's Monster Face

Mommy just loves this face!

Ethan's Silly Face!

Ethan's, "Mommy's having another BABY face!" Yup, you read it right. Baby #4 expected to be here November 2013!




 

~6 Months~....I'm not counting....

Today came and went a lot faster than I expected. I have anticipated today for a couple of weeks knowing that today would be 6 months since Asher has left us. I honestly don't have any words to say, except that I miss him so much. His clothes are still hanging in the closet and folded perfectly in his drawers. His name is still hung over his crib. And call me crazy, but I love the sweet reminders all around. After all, he will always be my precious son; regardless of whether he is here on earth or in heaven.

God has been so amazing and so solid. I never really opened my heart to him until I lost my son and if that is the only blessing I will receive from this journey, I will take it, graciously. Because, I am truly saved now. I live for my Heavenly Father. And he is answering our prayers everyday, everyday. He has put his hands on us and around us and filling us with the spirit and molding us to be more like Christ. I can confidently say this now....We are So, So, So incredibly blessed and He continues to bless us. Thank you, Father.

Ethan loves his baby brother <3

Up, up & away

*Hope Mommies*

Hi there! I usually don't post on our facebook page, but I do read posts, I do empathize with all of your pain, and I do pray for you all. Because we have lost a child of our own, we are intertwined into a group of women that only can truly and intimately understand what each other is going through. I think it's amazing how each of you lift each other up and are so encouraging through each individual journey.

I am embarking on six months of losing my son, Asher, who was delivered a stillborn on September 7, 2012(37 weeks 3 days gestation). His grave is an hour and a half away from where I live and I am hoping to visit him next weekend. But, I was also telling my husband, that I don't have to go anywhere to visit him....he's always with us. I wanted to especially write to each of you to invite all of you to share where you are in the journey after losing a child. Whether it be two days, two months or two years. I thought it would be kind of special, neat and may encourage/inspire/give hope to another fellow "Hope Mommy."

Here is where I am:

During my quiet time this morning, I opened  up my bible to Deuteronomy 8(NIV). I had no intentions of reading it, but the title of the chapter was "Do Not Forget the Lord." I know the Lord wanted me to read it and that I did. I hope you read it too, because it spoke volumes to me in where I am after six months of losing my child.

^{Deuteronomy 8:2} Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. ³ He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.

This is where I am in my journey. I literally feel like I am in a foreign world almost, and God is humbling me. He is filling me with gentleness, kindness, and compassion. He is chiseling me into the woman He has designed me to be. That is where I am. And if you read the rest of the passage, it is such a great reminder that when things get better, when we are healed, and hopefully blessed with another miracle of a child....to not EVER forget our precious Father. Our Heavenly Father. The Father who has blessed us to an indescribable amount. The Father who has forgiven our sins. The Father who promised us eternal life. Ladies---the Father who promised we will see our children AGAIN. Is this not an amazing reminder?

This has been on my heart ALL day long, and I had to share with you all. You don't have to reply to my blog or post on facebook, but just think how far you have come and know it was Him. It was His grace, His comfort, His strength, His undying love for us that have brought us this far.

God Bless You All,

Nikki