It's almost been THREE years!

~This photo is purely a reenactment for your viewing pleasure~ :)

My back is turned to the kids as I'm prepping dinner and I hear the girliest squeal and giggling coming down the hall. I turn around to see what's going on and Emma is running aka "toddling" down the hall as fast as she can with her big brother's blue bass pro hat on{wearing it like the cool kids:backwards, of course} and in her right hand is a pretend knight's shield. Following closely behind her, is Ethan, sporting his pirates hat with the knight's matching sword. He's not running, as to be careful not to run over his little sister, but nonetheless, he's laughing and pretending he's going to attack her. Their giggles, squeals and laughter fill our tiny, yet cozy home and I couldn't be more happy. And then, I have a glimpse of you, running along side your brother trying to capture the {tomboy} princess. I am constantly having glimpses of what your features would look like and most surely they would favor your brother and sister. Glimpses of your budding personality now that you would have almost been three years old. But as I stand in a moment of frozen time, I can't seem to wipe my smile off of my face. I honestly probably wouldn't be able to enjoy this moment if it weren't for your precious life. Because of you, I have learned to slow down. I have learned to soak in all the moments, good and bad. I have learned{and am still trying to improve on a daily basis} the art of grace and patience for Ethan and Emma. I didn't have these qualities before you.

Cynical as it may sound, there is a calming peace in my heart when it comes to thinking about you and how you were taken so soon. No, I still don't have the answers and yes, my heart still longs to hold you in my arms and steal your sugar, but now, after these past three years, the sadness, the hurt, the confusion continually fades and is being filled back with joy, happiness and love. Because of you, I found Jesus. He has been stirring my heart as long as I can remember, but when you went to Heaven, that is when I truly saw Jesus standing right beside me as I walked my new path. Coming home with empty arms and waking up to silence, I still had that warm presence of His spirit. I haven't let go since and I don't intend to, because I know where following him leads me: to an eternity in Heaven with you and Him.

I rejoice with Him for the gift of you, Asher. I rejoice for all the many blessings our family has received from your passing. I rejoice in all the struggles that lay ahead because I know fruit will come from them. Missing you and loving you always.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

The Club

Most everyone knows this about me, but for those of you who don't know, I belong to a club. A club that no mother wants to be a part of. The club of moms who have had to say goodbye to a child too soon. The club of bereaved mothers---that just sounds awful, doesn't it? I hate even typing it, because it just makes it that much more real. But, this is my life. This is a club I belong to. The club where we think of what could have been, what should of been. The club where we hide our tears and replace them with pretend smiles. All of us in this club have different stories of our children, but the same outcome.

For those of you maybe reading my blog for the first time and don't know my son's story, here it is.  This is how I was initiated into this club.

But, there's also something extremely powerful and special about our club. We welcome each other with compassion and empathy. We welcome each other with tears for one another and instant bonding. There's no judgement whatsoever. Only love for one another. Prayers for one another. Hope for the rainbow after the storm. And each time I hear another mother has joined this club, my heart breaks all over again. Breaks because the pain has resurfaced and I physically feel the pain that they are enduring.. And in that moment when initiation has begun, the bereaved mother is completely unaware: Unaware that there is a whole support system behind them, praying for them at that very instant. The bereaved mother might feel all alone, but I am here to tell you, as a member of this club for over two years, they are FAR from being alone. I wish no one would ever have to be a part of this club, but am so thankful that those who are; that we are in this together. To lift each other up during the really bad days, to listen to each other's feelings and really get it, and to praise God for the days where we smile and it is genuine. There's hope. Life will happen again. Laughter will happen again. Happiness will fill your heart again. But, take your time. There's no timeline to how your story plays out. Let God guide you and listen to Him. He is the only one that can heal your heart. There is NO such thing as time healing....it's God who heals and it's always in his perfect timing. So, be gentle on yourself and know there's a club out there who is right there for you when you need them the most.

Psalm 143:8 "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life."

~12 Magical Months...~

...365 delightful days, 8760 adorable hours, & one PERFECT year!

Dearest Emma,

A year ago I heard the most beautiful sound of your cry. In that moment, I was filled with relief, joy, humility, hope, and so much love. In that moment, I knew my life would never be the same. Each month with you, I have learned something different about you and about life. With each of my children, God shows me different things. And with you my darling, He has shown me hope & the courage to never give up. You are one of my greatest blessings and I never get tired of thanking God for entrusting me with your life.

We have had a GREAT first year! I am so happy I have been able to be there for all your firsts: your first smile, the first time you sat up, the first time you rolled over, the first time you crawled, the first time you said "Mama," the first time you stood up and even your first steps. My eyes might be a little darker from sleepless nights and our house might be a little bit messier for sticky hands and trails of toys, but this year has been a treasure for me and I am looking to so many more firsts and adventures with you{and your best big brother, ever!}

Thank you little one for being such a special light in my life! Mommy loves you Emma-girl!!

With all my heart,
Mommy

Happy Birthday, TWO you, Asher!

Another sweet angel in heaven with our son <3

 Dearest Asher,

{written yesterday}
I absolutely cannot even believe you are two years old tomorrow. There's a deep pit in my stomach that doesn't want to face the morning sunlight because it will just remind me that you are not here with us. But, I know when dawn breaks and I do open my eyes to the sunlight, it's one more day closer to you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of your sweet, perfect face or the day I will be able to hold you in my arms again. Not. One. Single. Day.

A year ago, I tried my very best not to think about the "what ifs" because I knew this was all a part of God's master plan. But, when your baby sister and big brother are laughing and rolling around, it is inevitable. I have "what if" moments every day now. And in those moments, I know you are so happy rolling around in the tall, green grass with a perfect breeze hitting your soft cheeks in the meadows of heaven--so, I get back to loving on your brother and sister and soaking up memories with them. I know I will get to make up our lost time one day.

{written today}
I have no metaphors today. My heart has ached all day long. I'm not sure why it's harder now than it was a year ago. There have been so many blessings in our lives since you went to heaven, so I should be rejoicing in victory and praising God, but quite honestly, today it is particularly hard. But, I just. miss. you. so. bad. We all do. I know you are having such a wonderful time and it probably seems like only moments have passed since you left us, but it sure does feel like forever for me. I always think about when our family is going to be complete and I know it won't be until we are all reunited with you. Until then, know how much I love you sweet angel. {Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.}

I love you always & forever, Asher,

Love,

Mommy

In our hearts. Forever. And always.

Balloons are coming to you! 

Ethan's family portrait <3

Preschool 2014 {Ethan Mitchell Ellis}

{08/19/2014}First day of school is here again and we are a happy household! The first words that came out of your mouth when we woke you up this morning were, "I want to put on my daytime clothes and go to school right now!"
Now, I had to type that for you to always remember when you're in middle school and I have to wake you up about a gazillion times to get ready! You did so well when I dropped you off. No sad faces, no tears shed; only smiles and hugs as you went to play with your friend, Jackson. I pray every day is as good as your first!!

Your teachers this year are Mrs. Dana & Mrs. Jan. You are attending Hahira United Methodist Church Preschool like you did last year. Mommy's not quite ready to let you go to the big kid school yet. You are about to play soccer this fall and we are hopeful that you love it! Your confidence is growing every day and you are becoming quite the young man. We love you boo!!

Ethan Mitchell Ellis' First Day of Preschool

Lord, please bless this beautiful child!

244 days young!

Eight months is here today! This past month has been so much fun with you, little lady. We look at you and we just watch those wheels spinning. You have hit so many milestones this month and have done it so effortlessly.

 Here are just a couple of things you have done:

{Sprouted your second tooth}
{Expanded your food with spaghetti, tacos, bread, cheese, eggs, canteloupe. You really do like your big girl food!}
{You said "Ma-ma"!}
{You said "Da-Da"!}
{You said Buh-Buh"}
{Sat up on your own}
{Started crawling}
{Pulling up onto furniture}

Here are just a few of your favorite things right now:

Favorite Song: {The Ants go Marching One by One}
Favorite Meal: {Desert aka PUFFS--you light up like Christmas morning when you see them!}
Favorite Person: {Your Ma-ma....pretty sure it's because I hold your main source of food, hehe}
Favorite Toy: {Your Picnic Basket}
Favorite Book: {you'd rather chew them than let me read to you}
Favorite Game: {Peek-a-Boo}
Favorite TV Show: {Mickey Mouse Clubhouse}

And my favorite part of your monthly updates....PICTURES! Which are getting ridiculously hard when you are on the GO!!! Keep growing love bug, you do it so well! Mommy loves you, Emma!!!

Sweet Emma face! Fresh from naptime <3

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!

Two of mommy's precious babies

Those piggies, though!

Told both of you to give me your cute face. At least one of you listened!

Hey Mama!!

All you need is Love~

Sprouting up like a beautiful flower~~~~@

Sassy & Seven Months!

Well, Mommy's a little late posting your seven months. We have just been so busy with end of the year school programs and two trips to the beach recently. Just when we thought summer was going to help slow us down, it's right back on track with play dates, summer fun & frenzy!

At seven months, you are doing great! You are rolling over to get to every destination. You are attempting to crawl with every bit of frustration but just can't quite get it yet. You get up on all fours and rock back and forth....and then face plant. It's just so precious watching you try and learn this little thing called "life."

Here are you monthly stats:

*You weigh about 18 1/2 lbs
*Wear 9-12 month clothing most of the time, some 12-18 months on rompers
*You got your first two teeth this month...and they're sharp little things!
*You are way more interested in "big kid" food than baby food. At this point, you eat what we eat and can't get enough of it!
*Attempting to crawl
*Your brother is your best friend
*You love the beach
*You love to take selfies.....lol!
*You sleep from 6:30/7p-7a most nights with the occasional night feed
*You give your mommy big open-mouthed kisses, complete with giggles

We love you sunshine! You and your brother brighten our days!

Look closely, and you'll see my first two teeth!

Water baby!!