Thy Will be Done

The phone rings jolting me awake from a deep slumber. I look at the Caller ID and immediately know that it's my doctor's office. I answer trying to sound awake, "Hello?" The reply, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Nikki. Did I wake you?" It was the morning of Asher's funeral and my doctor had called me to check on me and see how I was doing. I went through the perfunctory responses still half asleep, got off the phone and looked at the clock. 8:30am. All was still quiet in our house. Ethan was alseep. No baby next to my bed crying. If only I could go back to sleep to wake up and still be pregnant with a healthy baby. But, unfortunately, that wasn't the reality. I was burying my child instead.

**

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. There were good days and there were bad days. And on the bad days, I would find myself Asher's nursery in the rocking chair just grieving or praying or numb. The emotions were all over the place, but one thing was constant. The love and peace I received from my creator. I could always feel His presence during the hardest times and there were times where it was so surreal that I could actually feel his arms around me, holding me up, brushing my hair out of my face and weeping with me. He gave me the strength when I didn't have any. And he still does....because His love for me is steadfast.

It's been four years now and the emotions can still be so raw at times: especially when all is quiet in my house{which, if you know me, it isn't often now with three children living under our roof}. But, four years! The worst part of my life seems like such a long time ago, but yet at the same time, it still feels like it was just yesterday. 1,497 days ago my life shattered into a million pieces and 1,497 days later, my life is full of victory, joy, love, faith, hope. My life is now a story of redemption.

God saw my broken heart. He didn't want this to happen, but it did and He knew I had a choice: A choice to be filled with hate and pain-struck with grief because of my loss or a choice to lean on Him in everything I do. He turned my pain and used it for His glory. Each and everyone of us will have struggles, broken hearts, grief or some kind of pain. And if you are believer, look to Him and let Him work inside of you and through you so others can see His goodness and glory. Let us all be vessels for His will to be done. And if you aren't a believer, question Him, search out the answers and seek Him and He will reveal himself to you.

**

Asher, you are and will be always one of my sweetest blessings. Because of your life, the Lord has showed me that He is good, that He has a plan for me, that pure joy can only be found in Him, that He hears me and will rescue me. So, thank you sweet boy, for being such a treasure. I'll see you again one day. Mommy loves you. <3

KINDERGARTEN {is loads of fun}!!

Ethan's first day of school has come and gone. He's still hyper from all the excitement of today and I am about to crash any minute from waking up way earlier than I'm used to and no nap{I have an excuse!} today since all I could do was watch the clock counting down the minutes until I picked up my firstborn. 

I just still can't believe this day is here. I know most of us mothers seriously can tell you that it was just yesterday we were bringing them home from the hospital. You wake up two days later and BAM::: they're in Kindergarten. And this is fairly accurate! To see where Ethan is now is such a handsome reward. 

Psalm 127:3-4 says "Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior's hands." And that is what these past few months have revealed to me--I just didn't realize it until a precious friend shared this scripture with me{thanks Laci! For the blog post she shared click here} The past five years Ethan has been the arrow and Darren and I, the warriors. Darren and I have shaped and molded him into who he is today. Although my job is not done, it is so rewarding to see who he has become thus far. He has such a sweet disposition and is always willing to help those in need. He is thoughtful with a generous heart. He is serious with a splash of silly. And as earthly parents, Darren and I couldn't be more proud of where our son is headed. We praise Him for this new chapter in Ethan's life. We pray we can shape and chisel him in God's image so our son can be used for His glory. Congratulations Ethan on a successful & fun filled day in Kindergarten! We love you, sweet boy! 

Here are some Q & A's from Ethan today:

Q: What was the best part of the day?

A: The whole day was the best part! {come on, make a heart smile!}

Q: What was the worst part of the day?

A: Rest time because someone was touching my mat

Q: Was school fun today?

A: "It was funner than fun!" {as he is jumping all over my furniture!! ahhhhh!!}

Q: Did you make any new friends today?

A: Yes, Brogan. I was able to help him on the computer. And also, Trenton(sp?)...he had neat hair. It was really super short on the sides and spiked up in the middle. {and so Ethan then learned what a mohawk is, ha!}

More facts about Ethan at FIVE years old:

My friends: Jackson, Noah, Edith, Taylor, Brogan and Trenton{obviously new friends count too!}

My favorite color: Green

My favorite food: Chicken

My favorite animal: Lion

My favorite TV show: Odd Squad

My favorite things to do: Hide & Seek, Ipad, Pretend Fighting & Zombies vs. Emma 

My favorite book: The Night before Kindergarten

When I want to grow up I want to be: A Doctor or a Dentist

I am good at: Hide & Seek, Coloring inside the lines & Reading

I think it's safe to say, today was a great day! Praying for a wonderful rest of the year! And now to mommy's photo "shoot" because I'm just that mom :) 

Ready to go!

Not a single complaint for making him pose :)

Sissy HAD to get in the picture. She loves to smile for that camera!

And we have to throw in a silly face!

Sweet boy at his table in his new classroom!

Ethan & his new teacher, Mrs. Weldon! Blessed to have such a wonderful teacher to start his school years!

Ethan is one of Mrs. Weldon's Cool Cats!

Ethan "Rocked" his first day of Kindergarten!

Donuts for Dessert!

Emma got a donut too :) She made it the whole day without her "bubba!"

It's almost been THREE years!

~This photo is purely a reenactment for your viewing pleasure~ :)

My back is turned to the kids as I'm prepping dinner and I hear the girliest squeal and giggling coming down the hall. I turn around to see what's going on and Emma is running aka "toddling" down the hall as fast as she can with her big brother's blue bass pro hat on{wearing it like the cool kids:backwards, of course} and in her right hand is a pretend knight's shield. Following closely behind her, is Ethan, sporting his pirates hat with the knight's matching sword. He's not running, as to be careful not to run over his little sister, but nonetheless, he's laughing and pretending he's going to attack her. Their giggles, squeals and laughter fill our tiny, yet cozy home and I couldn't be more happy. And then, I have a glimpse of you, running along side your brother trying to capture the {tomboy} princess. I am constantly having glimpses of what your features would look like and most surely they would favor your brother and sister. Glimpses of your budding personality now that you would have almost been three years old. But as I stand in a moment of frozen time, I can't seem to wipe my smile off of my face. I honestly probably wouldn't be able to enjoy this moment if it weren't for your precious life. Because of you, I have learned to slow down. I have learned to soak in all the moments, good and bad. I have learned{and am still trying to improve on a daily basis} the art of grace and patience for Ethan and Emma. I didn't have these qualities before you.

Cynical as it may sound, there is a calming peace in my heart when it comes to thinking about you and how you were taken so soon. No, I still don't have the answers and yes, my heart still longs to hold you in my arms and steal your sugar, but now, after these past three years, the sadness, the hurt, the confusion continually fades and is being filled back with joy, happiness and love. Because of you, I found Jesus. He has been stirring my heart as long as I can remember, but when you went to Heaven, that is when I truly saw Jesus standing right beside me as I walked my new path. Coming home with empty arms and waking up to silence, I still had that warm presence of His spirit. I haven't let go since and I don't intend to, because I know where following him leads me: to an eternity in Heaven with you and Him.

I rejoice with Him for the gift of you, Asher. I rejoice for all the many blessings our family has received from your passing. I rejoice in all the struggles that lay ahead because I know fruit will come from them. Missing you and loving you always.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

The Club

Most everyone knows this about me, but for those of you who don't know, I belong to a club. A club that no mother wants to be a part of. The club of moms who have had to say goodbye to a child too soon. The club of bereaved mothers---that just sounds awful, doesn't it? I hate even typing it, because it just makes it that much more real. But, this is my life. This is a club I belong to. The club where we think of what could have been, what should of been. The club where we hide our tears and replace them with pretend smiles. All of us in this club have different stories of our children, but the same outcome.

For those of you maybe reading my blog for the first time and don't know my son's story, here it is.  This is how I was initiated into this club.

But, there's also something extremely powerful and special about our club. We welcome each other with compassion and empathy. We welcome each other with tears for one another and instant bonding. There's no judgement whatsoever. Only love for one another. Prayers for one another. Hope for the rainbow after the storm. And each time I hear another mother has joined this club, my heart breaks all over again. Breaks because the pain has resurfaced and I physically feel the pain that they are enduring.. And in that moment when initiation has begun, the bereaved mother is completely unaware: Unaware that there is a whole support system behind them, praying for them at that very instant. The bereaved mother might feel all alone, but I am here to tell you, as a member of this club for over two years, they are FAR from being alone. I wish no one would ever have to be a part of this club, but am so thankful that those who are; that we are in this together. To lift each other up during the really bad days, to listen to each other's feelings and really get it, and to praise God for the days where we smile and it is genuine. There's hope. Life will happen again. Laughter will happen again. Happiness will fill your heart again. But, take your time. There's no timeline to how your story plays out. Let God guide you and listen to Him. He is the only one that can heal your heart. There is NO such thing as time healing....it's God who heals and it's always in his perfect timing. So, be gentle on yourself and know there's a club out there who is right there for you when you need them the most.

Psalm 143:8 "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life."

~12 Magical Months...~

...365 delightful days, 8760 adorable hours, & one PERFECT year!

Dearest Emma,

A year ago I heard the most beautiful sound of your cry. In that moment, I was filled with relief, joy, humility, hope, and so much love. In that moment, I knew my life would never be the same. Each month with you, I have learned something different about you and about life. With each of my children, God shows me different things. And with you my darling, He has shown me hope & the courage to never give up. You are one of my greatest blessings and I never get tired of thanking God for entrusting me with your life.

We have had a GREAT first year! I am so happy I have been able to be there for all your firsts: your first smile, the first time you sat up, the first time you rolled over, the first time you crawled, the first time you said "Mama," the first time you stood up and even your first steps. My eyes might be a little darker from sleepless nights and our house might be a little bit messier for sticky hands and trails of toys, but this year has been a treasure for me and I am looking to so many more firsts and adventures with you{and your best big brother, ever!}

Thank you little one for being such a special light in my life! Mommy loves you Emma-girl!!

With all my heart,
Mommy

Happy Birthday, TWO you, Asher!

Another sweet angel in heaven with our son <3

 Dearest Asher,

{written yesterday}
I absolutely cannot even believe you are two years old tomorrow. There's a deep pit in my stomach that doesn't want to face the morning sunlight because it will just remind me that you are not here with us. But, I know when dawn breaks and I do open my eyes to the sunlight, it's one more day closer to you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of your sweet, perfect face or the day I will be able to hold you in my arms again. Not. One. Single. Day.

A year ago, I tried my very best not to think about the "what ifs" because I knew this was all a part of God's master plan. But, when your baby sister and big brother are laughing and rolling around, it is inevitable. I have "what if" moments every day now. And in those moments, I know you are so happy rolling around in the tall, green grass with a perfect breeze hitting your soft cheeks in the meadows of heaven--so, I get back to loving on your brother and sister and soaking up memories with them. I know I will get to make up our lost time one day.

{written today}
I have no metaphors today. My heart has ached all day long. I'm not sure why it's harder now than it was a year ago. There have been so many blessings in our lives since you went to heaven, so I should be rejoicing in victory and praising God, but quite honestly, today it is particularly hard. But, I just. miss. you. so. bad. We all do. I know you are having such a wonderful time and it probably seems like only moments have passed since you left us, but it sure does feel like forever for me. I always think about when our family is going to be complete and I know it won't be until we are all reunited with you. Until then, know how much I love you sweet angel. {Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.}

I love you always & forever, Asher,

Love,

Mommy

In our hearts. Forever. And always.

Balloons are coming to you! 

Ethan's family portrait <3

Preschool 2014 {Ethan Mitchell Ellis}

{08/19/2014}First day of school is here again and we are a happy household! The first words that came out of your mouth when we woke you up this morning were, "I want to put on my daytime clothes and go to school right now!"
Now, I had to type that for you to always remember when you're in middle school and I have to wake you up about a gazillion times to get ready! You did so well when I dropped you off. No sad faces, no tears shed; only smiles and hugs as you went to play with your friend, Jackson. I pray every day is as good as your first!!

Your teachers this year are Mrs. Dana & Mrs. Jan. You are attending Hahira United Methodist Church Preschool like you did last year. Mommy's not quite ready to let you go to the big kid school yet. You are about to play soccer this fall and we are hopeful that you love it! Your confidence is growing every day and you are becoming quite the young man. We love you boo!!

Ethan Mitchell Ellis' First Day of Preschool

Lord, please bless this beautiful child!